jacking the beanstalk

having a long, slow wank

'He's been in there for hours Cuthbert, i reckon he's jacking the beanstalk again!'

doing my bit for the child effort

wanking into a pot at a sperm clinic in order to make test tube babies.

'Been down the sperm clinic again Bert?'
'Just doing my bit for the child effort Roland.'

Shdoink

to slap someone in the face with your fallous.

that bitch was playing up so i shdoinked her!