Theobald Wolfgang

A Theobald Wolfgang is a person whose personality is tinged with sarcasm, which is used as a self defense mechanism in all situations. He/she will keep Orbit in business during his/her lifetime due to an insatiable chewing gum fetish.

A Theobald Wolfgang will also generally be obsessed with the movie 500 Days of Summer and Actimel yogurt drinks. He/she usually has a remarkable ability to quote entire scenes of movies perfectly but will struggle to explain exactly what the movie itself is about.

While he/she dislikes most animals, a Theobald Wolfgang will generally have an odd obsession with cats, often keeping two at a time in his/her company.

A Theobald Wolfgang will also employ a chant known only as 'The Chop' from time-to-time in an ability to highlight how obvious a statement made by his/her companion is. However, this chant is usually met with looks of incredulity from all within ear-shot of the conversation for its almost mocking tone and condescending manner.

A Theobald Wolfgang enjoys writing and playing football in his/her spare time, but will modestly claim to be useless at both despite the many accolades and praises of his/her peers.

"You got any chewing gum, Mick?

"Yeah man, here." (hands Paul a stick of gum)

"I knew you'd have some, you're such a Theobald Wolfgang."

***

"Man, I got Theobald Wolfganged by Christopher today."

"How so?"

"Well, we were talking about the Leeds-Spurs match and I was all like, 'Man, I can't believe Leeds could beat United but lose to Spurs', and he just started doing the Chop chant at me!"

***

"I was talking to Michelle the other day about 500 Days of Summer."

"That's not an intelligent thing to do, Maria."

"Tell me about it, I got one quote wrong and she essentially quoted the whole film back to me!"

"That's your own fault, you KNOW Michelle's a Theobald Wolfgang."

***

"Jesus, that Alana one really is modest, isn't she?"

"Yeah, I mean those poems she wrote were fantastic, she deserved her merit award from the school, yet still she gave your man, Jack, the award instead."

"Yeah."

(both people sigh)

"That's a Theobald Wolfgang for you."

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