“Everybuddy Needs a Buddy” System

Definition
A foolproof group buddy system in which one pairs oneself with a reliable “buddy” during wild adventures or escapades.

Purpose
The purpose of the system is to ensure safe return of all people in a group by grouping each one with a designated “buddy.” Each buddy in a pair is responsible for their respective buddy’s safe return to their friendly abode.

Outcome
As long as both buddies buy into the purpose of EBNB System, the system works to perfection and the persons return safely in one piece from their wild night out. However, when buddies begin to neglect their responsibilities, the results can become chaotic and could lead to a buddy sleeping in a hotel room that is still under construction.

WARNINGS:

1. The EBNB system is only guaranteed to work for groups that have an even-number of persons. For some reason, the EBNB system is overwhelmed and fails when trying to accommodate an odd number of persons in a group. Our most logical guess is that assigning multiple buddies to a single person becomes infinitely more difficult than having a single buddy to watch over.

2. For whatever reason, the EBNB system never works when your buddy’s name is “Cookie Monster.”

CHUCK: Hey guys, I have a crazy feeling we’re gonna get buckwild tonight. I think we need to implement the “Everybuddy Needs a Buddy” System tonight.
…
STEVE: What happened to Josh last night? It’s 10 AM and he is nowhere to be found. I guess we’re going to the pool without him.
…
(4 hours later, Josh arrives at the pool in bewilderment)

TODD: What the hell happened to you last night? We called hospitals and jails looking for your ass.
JOSH: I have no idea. All I know is that Cookie was my buddy and everything else is a blur.

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Z hujami, nie wygraz

- A phrase used in the Polish language when an individual faces a particular situation that causes them to give up all sense of hope because they realize that no matter what they do, they will not win.

- The direct Polish to English translation is “With Dicks, you’ll never win,” however, the less offensive and more proper translation is “No one ever wins when they’re dealing with SOBs.”

- Slightly similar to the English phrases “being between a rock and a hard place” and “being a small pawn in a large game,” as well as, a minuscule connection to the phrase “shit flows downstream.”

SON: What happened dad, you look very depressed?
FATHER: I got a BS speeding ticket for going 38 MPH on a 35 MPH road.
SON: You should go to court and fight that. It’s impossible not to go slightly over the speed limit while driving.
FATHER: There is no use son, “Z hujami, nie wygraz!”