The Stegall Disclaimer

Clause.

Codicil used by males prior to engaging in vaginal/anal intercourse with sorostitutes. This clause is directly used to relieve any and/or all future hopes of aforementioned guttersluts from pressuring said individual into relationships. Further, the male in said situation is absolved from all guilt stemming from palpation of the vaginal canal and/or anus on any given sexual encounter. Upon acceptance of the agreement, the sorostitute has no grounds to bitch or carp about the male’s absence of interest in her personally as well as sexually post copulation. The function of the agreement replaces the antiquated phrase “sex does not constitute a relationship” that is typically used in one’s defense after coitus. It is important to note that most experts agree that had the Stegall Disclaimer been instituted in our fathers’ time most bullshit that almost all of us have had to deal with at one time or another could have been avoided.

NOTE: The most integral and ingenuous part of the disclaimer is that it dispels the myth that the vast majority of women believe that they are “special” and “different” from all other “pieces of ass.” In addition, the application of this verbal contract vindicates a fundamental part of the male’s relationship slant – women are stupid and think that they can change men, but they are incorrect. It is important to remember that the use of the disclaimer MUST be clearly in place before the first penetrating act. Serious consequences will result if the methodology is applied AFTER “rearranging her guts.”

The Disclaimer was first implanted in the fall of 2003 and has since achieved overwhelmingly positive results. To the knowledge of all pundits of the clause, the disclaimer’s veil has not been pierced since inception.

*The Stegall Disclaimer does not protect against HIV or other sexually transmitted diseases.

Amy: “He’s such a fucking dick for screwing me and not calling this week.”
Pam: “But you said that he gave you the Stegall Disclaimer.”
Amy: “I know but…well…fuck.”

Zach: “You can’t just raw-dog your soldier through some chick and not take her out later.”
Ryan: “You are uninformed, my friend. I gave her the ‘ol Stegall Disclaimer.”
Zach: “You are a goddamned genius.”

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PAAM

Acronym. Post Alcohol Absent-Mindedness.

Typically occurs after consuming mass quantities of adult beverages. The syndrome is further enhanced when crushed Adderall or cocaine is snorted through the nasal cavity prior, during, or after exorbitant binge drinking. It is noted that PAAM is not actually a “hangover,” but in fact, hangovers induce PAAM, which is directly related to aforementioned excessive alcohol and drug abuse.

Symptoms: confusion, forgetfulness, stupidity, hysteria, and self-deprecation. There is no definitive cure for PAAM (as it effects all debaucherous, lecherous individuals, such as yourself, differently); however, the following items have been known to aid in recovery: sleep, Mexican food, ejaculation (any and all forms necessary), and of course, more cocaine and/or alcohol.

The syndrome was first discovered, classified, and studied at the University of Mississippi. Clinical trials were performed circa 2001 through 2007. Non-clinical trials continue in perpetuity in major metropolitan areas including but not limited to Dallas, Houston, Memphis, Nashville, Atlanta, and all SEC college campuses. It has been reported that said trials exist outside of the SEC, but no one really gives a shit. Hotty Toddy!

Goddamnit, Warren, I can't think straight because I have the worst case of PAAM ever.

I would study right now, but I have to continue drinking to get rid of this god aweful PAAM.

Dad: Stop drinking so much. You're giving yourself brain damage.
Son: Sorry, Pop, I am suffering from PAAM.

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