slop du jour

As COVID-19 social distancing and shelter-in-place orders endlessly grind on, the passage of time is distorted and once important daily events are homogenized into an unrecognizable, indistinguishable, meaningless blur.

Hey, what day is it?
I dunno. Why?
I was going to order the slop du jour...

9👍 1👎

thrust-o-meter

A device designed to measure maximum potential physical satisfaction for prospective sexual encounters--the approximation determined by combining pelvic thrust energy, frequency, member length, circumference and rigidity in the context of participant age and relationship duration.

*yikes!*
I'm so sorry baby, I don't care WHAT the thrust-o-meter says! just can't take somethin' THAT big...not today, not tomorrow. Ain't no way!!!

23👍 3👎

Off-Season Santa

The fully-bearded dude that drives around in a convertible mustang with a trunk full of dope.

Hey, did you score some smack?
Naww. But I did rustle up some serious meth from that Off-Season Santa over there!

snapsurveillance

A double-secret condition of which the person in question is completely unaware; due to an affinity for weapons, knives, modified trucks or harsh language the targeted individual is deemed by friends, family and co-workers as fragile, unstable, and likely to 'snap' into mass-murder mode at any given moment.

Oh shit, Billy's at the gun shop again. Even though he's a surgeon and spent most of his life helpin' folks, there's no tellin' when he's gonna blow...better put that one under snapsurveillance immediately.

44👍 9👎

Prepare the Bear

A process of aggressive genital depilatory treatment, including the sphincter and perineum. Thus temporarily transforming the entire nether-region from it's natural hairy, bear-fur like environment to one much more clean and hospitable for an anticipated sexual encounter.

I finally hooked up with that hottie off of Ashley Madison!! Gotta get ready and Prepare the Bear...hope she does too.

56👍 5👎

Cosmic Penis

Blue Origin

Did you see the great big, Blue Origin Cosmic Penis penetrate the earth/space boundary?
Yes. It was magnificent. ALMOST as exciting as watching the LAST Astro-Billionaire launch into space.

Turdventure

A well-planned vacation that turns to shit.

What's fuckin' next!? First we miss the connecting flight, then we must pull-drag our luggage through urine soaked streets; of course the hotel A/C is shot, we get 'the shits' from drinking local water and then the REAL Turdventure begins!

15👍 3👎