Genital harpies

A very serious and painful sexually transmitted infection. Usually transmitted during unprotected sex with extremely bitchy women--a Harpy--the resulting STI can be somewhat distracting.

After 30 incubation days, teeny-tiny eggs in the genital area hatch, releasing a clutch of Greek harpies. These small, winged creatures will then become very territorial over the infection site, and will attack any possible partner.

The harpies will only calm down after a large meal, their appetite being satisfied.

Brandon: "How was last night?"

Aaron: "Awesome! I took Angelina out to a big, buffet dinner and we had sex after! High five!"

Brandon: "--Dude, Angelina's a Harpy."

Aaron: "So?"

Brandon: "Did you use a condom?!"

Aaron: "Nope, went au naturel."

Brandon: "She gave you the genital harpies, man!"

Aaron: "Fuck."

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Kleptomydia

A sexually transmitted infection that gives people the urge to steal things after sex, especially other people's girlfriends/boyfriends.

Guy 1: "Chester, I got Kleptomydia from Aaron's girlfriend!"

Chester: "I thought it made you steal people's girlfriends AFTER you get it??"

Guy 1: "It does...That's why I'm letting you know before your girlfriend tells you what we did last night..."

Chester: Beat down on Guy 1