Hugging the Cactus

When a person anthropomorphizes a fake plant, especially one that is human-like in shape, resulting in an intimate moment with an otherwise unsympathetic object.

Cordell tried his best to impress the nice, young lady at the pool party. Sadly, all his friends knew that the ficus would never return his call. He was hugging the cactus.

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playing the hairmonica

performing cunnilingus or oral sex

Kathleen was hesitant to commit to the new man in her life, as he was cocky, belligerent, mean and smelly; though he was adept at playing the hairmonica.