Sloaneys

A Sloaney SLOW KNEE is anyone who involves themselves in the “wild” public school* social life, and has a little too much money to burn. Traditionally, the Sloaney is female, but nowadays males have been welcomed into the category, with their own distinct form of Sloaneyism. Sloaneys tend to spend much of their free life mindlessly wandering up and down the King’s Road and the immediate area of Chelsea, making use of a specialist tool known as “Daddy’s Credit Card” with the traders of the area.

* A public school is a paid-for educational institution, often with boarding houses. The idea behind them is that someone pays for you to gain a superior education, which allows you to earn plenty of money to get your children a superior education, which allows them to... etc. etc. until one of your offspring blows all his money on a twin-engined chocolate orange making machine.


Where to find them
During the school holidays, look out for them primarily in the vicinity of King's Road ("the KR") in Chelsea, London. However, they also spend time in their estates in the Berkshire and Buckinghamshire countryside partaking in rituals known as "polo" and "tennis parties". Rock, in Cornwall, and its surrounding area is a popular destination for Sloaneys with an art for keeping their blood alcohol level above the 50% level.

Telltale signs
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Designer clothes (non-skater, that is. Don't want to look like we've been slumming it in the skate park, do we darls?)
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Voice sounds as if plum is shoved down throat
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Use of Sloanglish
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Group of 3 or more girls saying "Oh my gawd" and generally trying to make the rest of the world believe that their life is actually exciting
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Group of 3 or more guys laughing like Tim Nice-but-Dim
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Head glued to mobile phone in attempt to appear popular (it's probably Mummy seeing if they're alright)
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Hyphenated surname
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Referring to each other as "darling", and abbreviating each other's names to end with an S (eg. Laura - Lors, Lucy - Luce/Loos, Henry - Hens, William - Wills, etc.)
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Pseudo-sophistication. Watch out for kissing once on each cheek as a greeting, like the French.

Sloaney schools
Ampleforth, Bradfield, Bryanston, Canford, Charterhouse, Eton, Harrow, Marlborough, Oundle, Radley, Rugby, Stowe, Tonbridge, Winchester, Abingdon, Benenden, Cheltenham Ladies', Downe House, Headington, Heathfield, King's Canterbury, St. Edward's Oxford ("Teddies" haha), St. Mary's Wantage, St. Mary's Carne, St. Mary's Ascot, St. George's Ascot, Uppingham, The Oratory School, Wellington, Woldingham, Wycombe Abbey ("Scabby Abbey")
and many more...



Sloaney names
Sometimes, these creatures give themselves away with their ridiculous names. Ones we found on an investigative (honest!) trip to Cornwall included Gala, Aurea, Crystal, Tory and Poppy. In most countries, giving children names like that is considered a severe breach of human rights.

c www.sloaneys.co.uk for more info

tara palmer-tomkinson

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