Validation by proxy

To feel better about oneself by viewing oneself not as an individual but as part of a larger group. In this state, one need not accomplish anything oneself but can take great pride in the accomplishments of others as though they are personal accomplishments because the group is viewed a personal extension.

'Yea we won!"

"No the Steelers won. You just watched the game on TV."

"Same thing."

"No It's not, it's your validation by proxy."

Jane Krakowski Effect

Named after the Ally McBeal series actress, this is a condition in which men literally stop in their tracks when looking at a woman that is completely physically stunning and flawless. It is sometimes marked by the loss of peripheral consciousness for hours or days as the male stares transfixed, feeling no pain nor hunger nor any sense of responsibility to attend to necessary matters. In war, the use of Ms Krakowski directly, via her surrogates, or her images to immobilize the enemy is expressly forbidden under any and all of the Geneva Convention agreements.

"Whoa Jake...You zoned out dude. One minute you were fine and the next you were comatose. Was it that blonde in the blue miniskirt?"

(Still in something of a stupor) "Yeah. I think so."

"Jane Krakowski Effect huh?"

(Beside himself now) "Is she here? The real one? Where?" (Jake fades out again lost in a mental image)

"Oh the blessing and curse of having the angel Jane Krakowski and her ilk living amongst us." (Jake's friend laments)

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Blame domino

The phenomenon in which an employee is chastised by his or her superior and then feels compelled to chastise their inferiors. In a large organization, this can involve a large number of people falling like dominoes.

"Jones, you cretin! I just got my clock cleaned by my boss because of you. Rest assured that you will get yours now."

"Hey Smith, don't involve me in your blame domino!"

Spousal catfight arousal

The complicated excitement a man feels when seeing his wife (or girlfriend) in a physical altercation with another woman. The condition is heightened when there is the real possibility for intimate sensual contact between the two combatants.

"Hey come quick, Jen had it with your wife's attitude and it looks like she has Lesley pinned down. You might want to end this."

"Are you kidding?"

"Spousal catfight arousal?"

"Damn straight. I need a closer view."

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Chompophobia

The irrational fear men often feel toward outhouses. Normally it stems from the associated fear that there may be an unseen alligator or crocodile somewhere below.

"Why did Elmer have to buy one of them newfangled INDOOR toilets?"

"cause me and Clem I heard he has Chompophobia."

"I reckon that's a mighty wise choice then. I heard something peculiar rustlin' in my own outdoor facility this morning."

(Collective shiver)

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Kirsten Dunst Syndrome

A woman who by all objective standards is quite beautiful but retains a subtle indescribable flaw that somehow undermines her overall beauty. It is also sometimes known as Miley Cyrus Syndrome.

"Dude what's wrong with you? How could you break up with Carol? She is a fox!"

"I don't know. There was something about her mouth that bugged me. I can't explain it."

(Pensive now) Yeah I think I get what you're saying now. I sort of noticed that too.

"It's like Kirsten Dunst Syndrome, I guess"

"You mean Miley Cyrus syndrome?"

"Same thing...whatever."

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Approaching occupational neurosis

The sense of exponential dread that occurs when one more closely nears one's workplace. If one is driving down a hill to said workplace the effect is sometimes described as Hell like.

(In a carpool on a public service ad) "What's wrong Jake? Your face has gone white."

"Look down there at the bottom of the hill and to the right!"

"OH MY GOD! IT"S THAT PLACE WE WORK!"

(A psychologist enters the ad and states paternally; "This is approaching occupational neurosis. Don't let it happen to you or anyone you care about. Resign or seek professional help immediately!"

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