Doing a Searby

Going to the pub during your work lunch-break and consuming a meat pie and at least four pints of beer. The effect is doubled if the person doing a Searby has grey curly hair.

Oi, Dave. Are you going to the canteen for lunch?

No, I'm doing a Searby.

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Little Briggsy

An extremely irritating dwarf who is addicted to acne remedies and wanking to ABBA songs.

What do you call a deformed midget who cracks one off to "Dancing Queen"?

Little Briggsy?

You got it, Squire.

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Briggsy's Kitchen

A television series shown on Channel 4. Loosely based on Hell's Kitchen it features the famous artist Briggsy as head chef. The contestants have to impress Briggsy by cooking meals using their own jizz. Briggsy tests all the dishes whilst playing with his little scabby cock. He awards points for taste and presentation. The winner is permitted to fellate Briggsy in Tate Modern whilst hundreds of onlookers cheer and shout arty slogans.

Are you off to Tate Modern, Quentin?

Certainly am, Benjy. The winner of Briggsy's Kitchen is receiving his prize this afternoon.

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Non-regulation head-shape

A head-type sported by many civil servants, particularly Natural England employees.

Who's that?

That's Fenton, the new boss.

But he's got a non-regulation head-shape.

Haven't they all?

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Briggsy Prize

An art prize for artists too obscure and ludicrous for even the Turner Prize. Entrants for the Briggsy Prize have included a lamb chop stuffed inside a small child's mitten, the word "talent" written on an Etch-a-sketch and a Christmas card torn in half next to a copy of the Scunthorpe Yellow Pages.

Art critic: What piece are you currently working on?

Artist: I've got a polystyrene box which I've painted purple and filled with baked apples. It represents the pain and despair of missing a phone call when you're in the shower.

Art critic: Should make the shortlist for the Briggsy Prize.

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Briggsy's Special Lube

Acne pus. Used by pretentious artists as gay-love lube.

Briggsy: Why pay for vaseline when my beautiful face produces copious amounts of Briggsy's Special Lube free of charge?

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Double Briggsy

A homosexual act in which two men stand facing each other and roll the same rubber onto both erect cocks. They then violently agitate the rubber-encased twin saveloy until both queens have emptied their sacks. Named after Briggsy, the famous art guy and co-author of The Joy of Gay Sex.

Faggot: My hobbies are painting,ironing and doing the Double Briggsy.

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