Jacob

A Jacob is a friendly, irritatingly smart yet height-disadvantaged male who has more chemistry past paper print-outs than past experience with speaking to girls. He will always be willing to hang out, but will have to sadly reject due to his revision-packed schedule. Jacob likes nothing more on a Saturday morning than to devour a bowl of Weetabix and punt a couple of crochet balls. If you are ever looking for a Jacob around town, be sure to check the local Londis as he will often be found negotiating the price of Prime energy with the shopkeeper. It is always a good idea to keep a Jacob at hand, as he will often know the answer to most typically redundant physics questions and can be relied upon to make a prick of himself after a single egg cup of 0.1 percentage beer. One downside of a Jacob is that he will be irrevocably musically inept, and will neither be unable to sing the tune of a song nor clap along to the beat. Buyers are informed that Jacob will 9 times out of 10 come with an absolutely middle haircut.

In conversation:
"Hey, saw you head into ALDI just then, what you buy?"
"Oh, nothing, I just heard there was a Jacob wandering around in there, thought I might check it out."
"Whoa! I better go sneak a peek myself!!"

Receiving a message or snap from the local Jacob:
"What's this message I've ju... Oh It's from Jacob. Better ignore it then." (probably biology advice)