Jesus

An ancient Philosopher and possibly savior who had a pretty decent message while alive- be nice, forgive, help those less fortunate than you. Very little is known about this man's personal life because he never wrote down anything so far as we can tell, and the four friends of his who wrote stuff about him did so decades after he whipped, humiliated, stabbed, nailed to a cross shaped object, and eventually died from the agony. Had twelve close followers one of whom betrayed him, plus a whole pack of deciples including his mother and an ex-prostitute who may or may not have been his wife. Actually may have also been attempting to start a jewish rebellion against the roman imperialist dictators, though this was probablye editted out of the scritures to make Romans convert. His early followers were a pretty nice bunch cosidering that they were skinned alive, tied to poles and shot full of arrows, whipped, stoned, crucified upsidedown, and made into human cat food in the colliseum with lions. His later followers sadly were homicidal nuts and began slaughtering innocent Jews and Muslims, and occasionally each other. This started to change around the 1900's, and was almost perfectly reformed by the 1970's with Jesus Christ Superstar when sadly a group of vile liars calling themselves undamentalists distorted his image into a hate mongering fanatic, causing comunist govts. like North Korea to ban him and turning many people away from him. The fact that some of his closest followers raped altar servers and that his name was attached to Jacko's "Juice" probably pissed him off. If alive today, he'd be chillin in jamaica with stoners or playing in the NBA as Steve Nash and MLB as Johnny Damon. Oh wait, he is. And he'd shut up Creed for good.

Jesus- Do unto others as you would have them do unto your self
Crackpot Televangelist- Um, that means give me your social security money. And while you are at it, lynch a gay man or two. yeah, that's it.

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Pretzel

A deadly threat to the nation. It was sent by unknown parties to assasinate George W. Bush. The attempt was nearly successful, but a bystander was cunning enough to employ the heimlich maneuvre, foiling the conspiracy. The said pretzel is now being held in maximum security in guantanamo bay as an enemy combatant.

It appears that agent pretzel has failed his mission.

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baseball bat

The ultimate weapon when it comes to hand-to-hand combat. It can even be thrown like a tomohawk should your intended victim appear to be outrunning you. However, if there is a red taffic light nearby, simply smash the window of the first car, kill the guy inside it, drive up after the primary target, and while passing, swing the bat full-force at his head. A decapitation guaranteed

So you wanna be a hitman for fat Alfredo, skinny Lou? Awrighty, take out Stupid Gianni and Smelly Joe wit dis baseball bat

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guns n' roses

One of the best bands to ever play. They continued the great hard rock tradition of AC/DC, Aerosmith, and Van Halen. In the classic lineup(Axl, Slash, Izzy, Duff McKagan, Steve Adler, and later Dizzy Reed), they recorded some of the greatest songs in rock.
They set themselves appart from the rest of 80's rockers because while they understood that rock n' roll is supposed to be a good time (unlike the teenage-angst "rockers" that pollute the airwaves today), they also had unbelievable amounts of talent. And you can like Guns n' Roses and Nirvana at the same time. The gunners weren't hostile towards Kurt; in fact, Duff and Kurt met on an airplane and were friendly with eachother.

Unfortunately, Axl Rose could behave like a jerk when he got pissed (which was alot). Lets see how you'd be if you were brought up in a fundamentalist home where your stepdad hit you from the age of 2 and kicked you out at age 16. Plus, he's manic-depressive. He still is a great talent and can be a nice guy sometimes. Though his facelift and dreadlocks were a couple of pretty bad choices.

Guns n' Roses never were rascist in their music. People who criticize One In A Million don't have clue what they're talking about. Axl has said that it was ABOUT the rascism and homophobia in America, not in favor of it. Besides, Slash is part black and part Jewish.

Fortunately, Izzy Stradlin and Axl have reconciled their differences, and at least that much of the Appetite for Destruction-era band may be reunited. When Chinese Democracy is released, the world will finaly get some real rock n' roll instead of mall rock.

Guns n' Roses are a talented, creative, authentic band that came from being poor and obscure to being world famous, back in the days before MTV went downhill.

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Tommy Hilfiger

A fashion designer who is very rich and apparently crazy. At Rosario Dawson's birthday party he started a fight with Axl Rose for no apparent reason

Axl could've kicked tommy hilfiger's scrawny ass

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Bon Jovi

New Jersey-based glam metal band. They aren't the most adventurous musicians, but hey, neither were AC/DC, and they still sound good. One of the few bands made up of nice guys to be still called metal. Their lineup is basically the same after 20 years, there have been no arrests, no pyrotechnics disasters (see Metallica and Great White), no stadium riots (see Guns n' Roses), no trips to rehab (see Ozzy Osbourne), no car crashes that killed other rock stars (see Motley Crue). Also, for some reason I can't understand, I can't imagine them being from anywhere but New Jersey. All in all, a solid band with a good career. Unquestioned masters of the power ballad.

Axl Rose was definitely the better frontman than Jon Bon Jovi, but there's no question about which one I'd rather get hang out with.

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rap

The whipping boy of the music world for obnoxious posers who wish they had something intelligent to say.

Poser- Oh God! Is that rap you're listening to? That shit is the w-
Me- Listen, fuckwad- You go lose your virginity, then maybe we'll talk.

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