poopascoop

To cup ones fart and swiftly manoeuvre the cupped hand to ones nostrils (or the nostrils of another). Useful in deciphering the health of the bowel and the contents of the previous evenings dindins.

Tarquin: 'Bertie dear boy, my olfactory sense deciphers a hint of truffle in your poopascoop. I also note a forthcoming haemorrhoid.'

Bertie: 'Jolly good show, bang on Tarquers!'
'Oh, and please may I borrow your Preparation H?'

pilchard

A fish, often tinned and doused in lashings of tomato sauce.

In human form: a pilchard is a no good, manipulating git who slimes into your life without warning, often in an underhand and devious manner. The pilchard, or pilch, (if you will) will take you for all you are worth, sucking you dry of emotion, money and soul. They have a distinctive look (like Eddie Windass off Coronation Street) but this may be overlooked due to their uncanny ability to fit in and mingle with the everyday folk and ultimately defecate on the lives of all they come into contact with.

That Phil is such a pilchard, he lived off me for a year and even got his mum to re-mortgage her house so he could spend it on Richmond Superkings and Joop. Next time I see him I'm going to marinate him in tomato sauce!

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Quender

An affectionate term for a friend who has made an error. The combination of queer and bender evokes the notion of homosexuality, but the two words merged create a double negative and therefore produce a heterosexual outcome.

I can't believe you knocked your drink over, you quender.

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