Rural Dictionary

scotland

A country of purple heathered mountains, the freshest, most crisp and pure water in the uk, deep, mysterious lochs, ancient forest, spectacular wildlife and of course inhabited by a race of people who are decended from the ancient celts....a hardy bunch of warriors who have been feared the world over, since the great roman invasion. you may find none of this list associated with england. it is quite obvious that the old chip on the shoulder started with our neighbours to the south. so jealous of scotlands quality, its fertile land, its beauty....that they wanted it for themselves. well...you're nae fucking getting it....just to emphasise the message our ancestors gave to yours.

first along came the romans. the most powerful empire the ancient world has seen. over the english channel they sailed, landing in the south of england. one or two swishes of their swords and they had control over it all.....apart from the north. to the north lay a landscape that became more forrested, mountainous and mysterious. so, the romans arrived in what is now scotland. to cut a long history lesson short.....there were many skirmishes in which the romans had won and lost. but the basic craic was that the natives scared the shit out of them so much....they had to build walls to mark the extremity of their empire....and to keep out the natives from invading them! the natives were named 'picts', or 'pictii'. this reffered to the fact they painted themselves blue with shapes and images of animals. in true celtic style....they went into battle naked....not really giving a shit. weapons of choice: spears, big huge swords and shields. also deadly charriots. we have a story to tell about the roman invasion....not only were the english not there....but they cant claim to have succeeded in repelling the worlds most powerful empire! i think they may be jealous. later along the time line the 'scotti' of antrim, northern ireland, migrated the short crossing to argyll and began to settle eventually becoming allies of the picts. through this alliance they steadily gained power in northern britain....repelling attempted invasions from vikings, saxons, northumbrians, britons angles etc. what a show i must say. conquering this land of what was now becoming a united scotland was impossible. after some seriously bloody encounters, and years of unclear goings on......kingdoms established themselves. the english and scottish rivalry was just beginning. england had established itself as the main military power on this side of europe...yet still could not bring scotland to heel! after some unsuccessful campaigning in europe...the english turned their attention to the land in the north. scotland. the english had invaded scotland, with some degree of success. they took castles and therefore commanded much of lowland scotland.....much to the frustration of the scots. but uprisings were slowly emerging, eventually in the form of the great william wallace. wallace hated the sassenachs with a passion...as did most scots. king edward the 'longshanks' of england would declare scotland his....and would answer to english superiority. wallace got in a scrap one day with a few english soldiers who slagged him off. he ended up killing them all...with his legendary sword which measures five feet in length. the english were on the hunt for him....he killed some more, and was branded an outlaw. so....he thought he might aswell gather a few mates and start attacking english garrisons....brutally killing every english soldier. his army grew larger, thus creating the famous rebellion that he led. after this and that, he finally met edward in battle. he and his mates hung around stirling quite a lot, so edward made his way to stirling in 1297 with a massive force of 10,000 troops a large band of calvary and all sorts of goodies he would use to destroy the scottish rebellion. on the 11th of september, 1297 the english arrived at stirling. no sign of wallace. no sign of any scottish resistance. edward believing victory already at hand, began crossing the narrow wooden bridge across the river forth. wallace was hiding behind a hill with all his mates, who were very outnumbered. he waited until half the english were across....then launched his attack. the scots, who were mainly highlanders and men from aberdeenshire....hit the english like a train....and kicked the shit out of all of them. the rest of the english ran away crying for their mums. most were chased down and killed....quite right too. an important scottish victory...and a fucking good one at that. the following year....wallace had the shit kicked out of him, at the battle of falkirk....because the english used welsh bowmen to do their dirty work. not only did they cheat by using long range missiles instead of hand to hand combat.....they didnt even lift a finger themselves. too scared perhaps? wallace was eventually captured and executed in london in the most brutal manner. first stripped naked, he was bound by his ankles and dragged through the streets of london to smithfield....where he was then subjected to stretching, strangulation by hanging until only semi concious....he was then placed horizontally on a cross, his genitals cut off, his body then opened....his organs removed and placed in a hot fire. suffering all of this while he was perfectly aware of it....his head was eventually cut off. his execution was unjust....being tried for treason. edward was not his king. english frustration? edward continued his occupation of scotland for years....often using brutality against the protesting scots. robert the bruce was crowned king of scotland....and led his own campaign against the english occupation. he systematically regained all the scottish castles, defeating the english many times. but only one would remain in english hands. stirling castle. bruce demanded that edward return it to the people of scotland. this resulted in the battle of bannockburn. the english are said to have had an army of around 15,000 foot soldiers and 2,500 knights. quite a rabble. bruces army consisted of around 6,000 men and 500 horse soldiers. what happened next makes my mouth water every time.....the battle commenced....and bruces army completely humiliated the english by destroying most of their rabble.....and the rest ran back to englandshire in fear of the scots.....never to return. conclusion: english get frustrated with the fact that a smaller country than their own, can resist their greed and ambition of increasing their egos even further. to say we are over patriotic is ridiculously ignorant. we have so much to shout about...and english get pissed off at it. the chip is on your shoulders. this is my point. haggis is an amazing dish which the romans actually introduced to the world. england boasts their traditional dish of egg and chips....how adventurous.....pfft. we can also boast the oldest ale in the world....fraoch...heather ale.....over 2,000 years old. whiskey makes scotland a mint the world over...its the real mans drink...as someone already stated. tartan dates back to the picts....and now represents our anciently traditional tribal/clan society. the world loves the kilt almost as much as the scottish nation itself....only the english take the wasted time to call it a skirt and run it down. call it what you will....i dont see englands traditional dress anywhere? after the jacobites defeat at culloden, the english announced the ban of tartan and bagpipes in scotland. the bagpipes are noisy...but they are a proud instrument of our nation, and the only instrument on earth described as a weapon of war. we have our own traditional music...which rocks. we have our own native language, which at present is undergoing massive revival, even in the south of scotland....since it was also banned after culloden, and english was forced upon us by anglified lowland scots and sassenachs themselves. oh yes, and by the way, for those of you englishmen who say the scots speak a poor and twisted version of your language.....have you ever noticed we pronounce 'r' ? yes well the funny thing is that you dont. in this case im sorry, but you are at fault with the language. so not only did we abandon our native language to speak yours....we speak it better aswell! i bet you didnt know that people from inverness have the best spoken english anywhere? ahhh. scotland is just sounding better and better eh? yes, our football is shite....we know. but we still laugh and are the best losers ever. the tartan army represent football the way it should be.....fun, and an excuse to party and love the game. english football fans are hated. the tartan army...loved. we accept defeat....the english hate it. because of the unfortunate union of the crowns....the scots have been first in the field of battle....when england have wanted to go to war. the war against napoleon can safely be claimed by scottish regiments. the black watch, the highlanders and the many regiments that have global recognition as some of the best and most feared soldiers in the world....have now been disbanded. why? england....extinguishing an essential element of scottish pride and power. jealousy? scotland represents a massive influence in the uk.....but keeps being shot down in different ways by the english. we dont like them for the opressive ways in which they have wished to destroy what it means to be a scot, and their arrogance for calling our sportsmen and women british...so they take half the credit. we invented so many things that the world have benefitted from in major ways. penicillin, the fridge, the bike, the tv....ginger hair.....the list goes on. i will conclude that the english have no culture, no traditions....no identity.....other than thinking they are the best at everything. because of this i have defined scotland in a way that will make the sassenachs, and of course anyone else who doesnt want to understand the real SCOTLAND....know the craic! i am from the highlands to the north....and we dont like the english very much up there. so next time you put on an england top....just remember....dont wear it in scotland....especially in the north. alba gu brath!

by man eilean dubh August 21, 2006

253👍 112👎

scotch

scotland

caledonia