pearly gates

Defines the gates (religious connotations) through which those souls of high virtue can pass once their bodily host deceases and they are admitted by St Peter.

A whole bunch of people died and came to heaven. They met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, and he directed them to a large tour bus behind them.

"Come on folks," he smiled, "It's time for your first tour around heaven."

So they all got on the bus, and Saint Peter was pointing out the sights as they went by. They came to a large, 12-foot tall brick wall, and he stopped the bus.

"Now, I'm going to ask you all to be very quiet as we go past this wall," Saint Peter said. All the people grudgingly complied, and they drove past the long, blank wall. When they got to the other side, someone asked:

"Saint Peter, why did we have to be quiet while going past that wall?"

"Oh," he laughed, "That's where all the Catholics are. They still think they're the only people up here."

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asshole

a holder of writing implements

A proctologist was having a hectic day, having seen about 20 patients.
His nurse comes in with a pile of paperwork for him to sign.
He motions to her to put in on his desk and reaches into his pocket for a pen but instead pulls out a thermometer.
"Damn it", he says, "Some asshole has got my pen!"

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plate

verb to cover over an object with another substance

Not listening to his dentist, he hadn't brush too often and the plaque had plated over his teeth and hardened into a false enamel.

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plate

noun a product of the steel industry used in making beams, large ships, pipelines, oil platforms and the like. Ranging in thickness from about 3-4mm up to 253mm, can be difficult to produce due to variety of chemical compositions and operator skill.

... and he really fucked up the last rolling of 5mm plate when he used the wrong trim for the roll gap and it cobbled into the thickness gauge.

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