Piano Hands

The abnormally large hands of a musician, typically one who plays the piano. Can also pertain to the hands of a musician who plays an instrument requiring a wide physical reach such as guitar or bass. Note: hands must be freakishly huge and may only be called piano hands if the specimen is musically inclined. That's right, we know who you are, impostors. . .

Derek: How is it even possible that you can pick up that watermelon with one hand?

Dave: Piano hands, dude. Piano hands. . .

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Blame Fart

(verb)

This is characterized as a situation in which you blame a really rank fart on a dog, usually your own, and typically in the company of other people so nobody suspects you.

Warning: this term is only to be applied in the most dire circumstances. The result of over blame-farting is the perception that you are overly insecure about your flatulence, and everybody will begin to suspect you.

Jack: Ah, who ripped one?!

Jen: That is putrid!

Josh: *nervously* EWWW, Fido that is disgusting. Sorry guys, Fido has been pretty gas-ish lately.

Jack: I'll say, wow.

Jen: No way, Josh. That was a total blame fart. It was you. We all know Chao Mein does it to you.

Josh: *face reddens*

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. . . if only bananas were longer. . .

A conversational endpoint that you use when some little whiny worm is complaining to you and you are sick of it. Will often belittle complainer and give complain-ee a defining sense of satisfaction.

Whining little worm: Ughhhh, I got dirty snow on my Uggs, and my cell phone is broken, and things are really hard at home with my parents and ugh I'm just so stressed!

Me: . . . if only bananas were longer. . .

Whining Little Worm: *Silence*

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Distraction Pretzel

A pretzel that you use to distract someone/something in order to get access to an item, i.e. laptop, car, money etc.

Jason: Hey can I use your computer?

Jen: No.

Jason: *holds out distraction pretzel, tosses it in corner*

Jen: *leaps for pretzel*

Jason: *grabs computer and quickly updates Facebook Status*

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Cry-ometer

(noun)

An instrument that measures the level of a person's sobbing. This is generally applied to a person who has just been through a traumatic break-up, or otherwise mentally damaging experience.

Also used to detect feminine and/or gay tendencies in humans.

From the greek "Cryometer", an instrument that measures coldness.

Jack: Dude, Jen broke up with John!

Josh: OMG! Have you seen him yet?

Jack: Yeah I was up with him all night. He was like a 10 on the cry-ometer.

Josh: Oh man, this is some heavy *^&%!

Cart Shopping

WARNING: THIS ACT SHOULD SHALL NOT BE ATTEMPTED IN REAL LIFE. THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL ACT THAT IF PHYSICALLY RE-ENACTED, WILL PROBABLY LEAD TO YOUR FORCED DEPARTURE OF YOUR LOCAL MARKET, WITH OR WITHOUT YOUR GROCERY STORE PURCHASES.

Cart shopping is when you go into your local grocery store, armed with your shopping list, but instead of taking your items off of the shelves, you can only take the items on your list from other patron's shopping carts. The trick is not getting caught. If you do get caught, you immediately have to forfeit all of your items, and go and but ten quarts of mayonnaise.

Old Lady: Oi! I saw you try and take that kielbasa! You, you, you. . . Cart Shopper! Now go on and get yourself some mayonnaaaaiiise!

Cartshopper: *places mayonnaise on cash register conveyer belt*

Cashier: . . . Cart shopping?

Cartshopper: *nods*

Cashier: ROFL

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Divine Stretch

(noun, verb)

A. A stretch, typically performed in the morning, which is so relieving that it nearly bends reality. It is usually accompanied by a feeling of immense, in-the-moment liberation.

It can also be achieved any time of day, maintaining that there is a god-like surge of solace, a physics-defying freedom felt.

B. (As a verb) To stretch with the result of intense satisfaction and relief.

Jack: I'm so stiff, sleeping on that futon was such a bad idea.

Josh: You should've slept upstairs.

Jack: Oh- Wait a minute- (stretches) oooohhhhh yes! Divine stretch! Wow! I'm so refreshed.