Dr. Oz

Senile old doctor that turns the smallest little factor into a huge catastrophe on his show. The stupidest things become the biggest threats (see schmalfuss). If you suffer from agoraphobia and one day plan on returning back to the real world, do not watch this show. You'll be even more paranoid than ever.

Dr. Oz: Today on my show, we'll be discussing the dangers of Anthrax. If I were to throw Anthrax down a street, everyone from a mile from it that inhales it may die.

Me: Um... ok

Dr. Oz: Today on my show, we'll be discussing the dangers of DDT. This stuff man, could kill you man.

Me: Yeah, in like 70 years ¬_¬

209👍 58👎

Ke$ha

Ke$ha wanted in the music industry so bad. As a joke, one of her friends told her "Just suck somebody's dick that works there".

The next thing you know, she has a deal. Now she makes crap that nobody can stand to listen to, except softcore juggalos and juggalettes and people who are fucked up off their ass.

Her music is roughly (after editing) 98% auto tone, 2% her. I think she failed kindergarten AT LEAST once. Nobody stresses the letter "R" quite like her (What is swaggerrrr and who is Mick Jagerrrr?).

Ketchup, I mean, Ke$ha will probably stop being played on the radio by next week, tops.

778👍 394👎

Randy Jackson

Gives THE BEST criticism, no doubt about that
*cough* ¬_¬ (Sarcasm, LOL)

How he was made a judge of American Idol (or how Ryan Seacrest is still hosting the show) I will never know. I mean it's a crappy show but hey, it has its rep you know?

*Singer sings lyrics to "Lonely Girl", messing up every high note*

Randy Jackson: Yo Dawg, that was tight. Perfect dawg, I mean dawg, that's the best singing I've ever heard, good job dawg.

*Crowd cheers*

Simon Cowell: Do you ever say anything constructive Randy?

*Randy starts to say something*

Simon: OK, well moving on. Look I feel your performance tonight was very... pathetic.

*Crowd starts booing*

Simon: If that is what people consider singing, I will gladly drop off the face of the Earth and start a modeling career.

Randy Jackson: Yo dawg, don't listen to him dawg. That was great singing dawg.

136👍 32👎

Baby Bear

Elmo's homie on Sesame Street.

Elmo tries to hook up Baby Bear with Maria but she is just way out of Baby Bear's league... for now

88👍 68👎

Mutual Masturbation

What you and your girlfriend did as kids when you took a pledge to the church, and then told your pastor you've never had sex with each other. Cause technically you didn't.

When kim and david were on the bed at night watching TV, they got horny. But they remembered their pledges. So they just took of their pants and underwear and had mutual masturbation then told their pastor they've never had sex.

476👍 249👎

DDT

1. (agriculture) Acronym for Dichloro-diphenyl-trichloroethane
2. (slang) Acronym for Do The Damn Thang
3. (wrestling) Wrestling move by Jake "The Snake"

1. DDT is fatal

2. "Ready to DDT mane, 'bout to stick up that bank tonight"

3. He hit the DDT on that foo and he didn't get up for a while

117👍 55👎

211

Pronounced "Two Eleven"
1) Police code for a robbery
2) The second letter and the eleventh letter. BK, or Blood Killer. 311 is the opposite of this.

1) Radio dispatcher: We have a 211 in progress at the Circle K

2) We just call that badass Crip over there 211.

94👍 35👎