E.M.F.

The legendary resident of East PennsylMerica who is singlehandedly responsible for the vast majority of screams, grunts, airhorn blasts, jeep maulings, car crashes involving telephone poles, driveby Tonk-Tonk yellings, impressions of that fucking bear from Harvey Birdman and high-power muzzle flashes that occur in the Lehigh Valley. He is also an excellent and severely brutal mechanic, though sometimes known to intentionally self-immolate for his own amusement while on the clock at Junk-n-Shit Slowlube. Known to hang out with The Devil alot, over down there by the NW Field. E.M.F. is not to be trifled with, especially by those ascot-sporting foofter Hogwarts kids he verbally assaulted at Macs awhile back. Further proof that in addition to being a Kraut and hating republicans because they steal from us, he is also Really Fucking Loud.

E.M.F. once famously invented the word Dingleslaps on the same day his mother coined the term Muffinchops. Brutal.

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Hogwarts kid

Any one of those little foofters whose mommies and daddies pay $14,000 a semester so they can attend Lehigh University and clog shut our fucking bars and sushi joints and roads and hospitals and morgues. They run around town with their magic carpets and point their wands at each other, all the while thinking theyre the greatest little magic school around. Little do they know that E.M.F. lurks in the shadows waiting for them to make a mistake and then....... Napalm Slayer Death bursts forth from the hairy sphincter of Satan's Shoeshineboy and covers them in whitehot molten poo. Bunch of fucking herbs.

I quit high school and got a six-figure job, and now make more than most of those Hogwarts kids will. But Mommie and Daddie will just keep sending money forever....

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Tonk-Tonks

Any person whose appearance or disposition suggests they may be less evolved than the average modern human. The common tonk-tonk will often be found in a multicolor japanese car with tilted rear wheels (due to improperly lowering its body without adjusting the suspension) blasting either reggaeton or doofdoof music (or any other primitive- or tribal-sounding monotonous soundtrack with simple and repetitious beats.) Many tonk-tonks wear loose-fitting clothing, seemingly because such garments remind them of the animalhide wrappings their grandparents crafted in the jungles and pastoral hills of the remote islands from which most tonk-tonks originate. Most tonk-tonks tend to have success in the bartering of goods (usually drugs) as their mental resources are geared toward the nomadic hunter-gatherer mentality. They also usually have some type of legal trouble following them, as their simple brains cannot grasp the concept of laws or rules. When one encounters the common tonk-tonk in its natural habitat (the club, fastfood restaurants, sportsbars) it is wise not to use complicated verbiage or gestures, as tonk-tonks are frightened of things they cannot understand and may initiate primal defense instincts, resulting in frantic utterances in their monkey-language and sometimes bitemarks. They can be restrained by employing well-aimed severe kicks to the face, especially once the tonk-tonk has fallen to the ground.

E.M.F. likes to yell at the Tonk-Tonks in his gwala gwala dialect because they think he can talk to their deceased ancestors who learned the secrets of sneaking past the border patrol and avoiding capture by the I.N.S.

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