Vin Diesel

Vin Diesel challenged everyone in the sub-continent of India to an arm-wrestling match. After humiliating that nation's finest arm wrestling warriors, an Indian holy man placed a curse on Vin Diesel, which is why he doesn't have a single hair on his body. But when Vin Diesel saved India from a tsunami by delivering a stand-up routine so hilarious the tsunami shook apart with laughter, the holy man rewarded Vin with the secret of morphing into an alpaca, and the secret of cooking the perfect turducken. It is from Vin Diesel's personal kitchen that John Madden purchases his annual turducken.

Vin Diesel was, unbeknowest to even the director, the main character of Saving Private Ryan.

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