calamity james

englands number one goalkeeper

"ol' keegan's gonna enjoy 'im"
"who?"
"calamity james, oo ja fink!"
"england, england's number one, england's, number one"
"ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha"

5👍 29👎

y-fronts

old-fashioned underpants so called because the fly is made up of an upside down Y shape allowing quick access but still affording cover

Chris "Y-fronts" B***** MP was so excited by Tony's first election victory that he lowered his trousers in public and started masturbating, while singing Things Can Only Get Better and inviting men to perform oral sex on him.
Call me old-fashioned, but what's wrong with a glass of champagne

178👍 64👎

headless chicken

1. a chicken with no head
2. running around all over the place with seemingly no aim or purpose

1. we ordered murghi masalam but all we got was a headless chicken stuffed with minced meat.
2. "look at that twat Savage" exclaimed Fredo "he's worse than a headless chicken."

40👍 13👎

Essex girl

some of the most beautiful girls in the world come from essex

essex girl: "I think i've got concussion."
paramedic: "How many fingers have i got up?"
essex girl: "oh! don't say i'm paralysed too."

188👍 157👎

cobra forsky

foreskin shaped like a hooded cobra

colin considered himself to be very fortunate. having a cobra forsky was useful as his wife played the flute. trips to india were a gas.

5👍 4👎

cock splint

penis splint; usually consisting of four spatulas arranged equidistant and parallel to the penis, thus encompassing it. this is held in place with a binding of clear plaster.

on her wedding night victoria threw aside the covers and said, "look david, this bearded oyster has never been seen or touched by a man." "that's nothing" replied david, opening his dressing gown to expose his cock splint, "look, this is still boxed!."

14👍 4👎

lino

1. an abbr. of linoleum, the floor covering.
2. the linesman in soccer

1. ers next door looks really posh now. she's got rid of the old beer cans and done it all up wiv lino.
2. darren "oi, lino, what's wrong wiv you? E was never offside."
dave "bring on stevie wonder!"

58👍 47👎