McCarthy Standard Time

The time difference from your chosen time zone (BST, EST, ECT. etc) to the one being used by a terrible time keeper. Usually meaning they will vastly underestimate the time they need to complete a task or overestimate how fast they can travel somewhere, making them the constant reason for delays in planning and execution of group activities.

Cal: I’ll be home in 10 minutes and load up a playlist as soon as i get online. So… gimme 20 minutes and we’re set.

Dan: Is that GMT or McCarthy Standard Time?

Jack: See you in an hour Cal. 🙄

Gyte’s Factor

A multiplication factor used to calculate how long someone with a ‘delicate posterior’ takes to have a shit. (Approximately 3.5-4.0)

Often taking obscene lengths of time for the most un-noteworthy of bowel movements, thus delaying countless trips, activities and functions.

George: How long has Danny been away shitting? Surely he can’t take this long.

Josh: I know it should only be 10-15 minutes.

Jack: Have you applied Gyte’s Factor? That would take it to at least 30 minutes.

Yoghurt Overlord

The ruler of all dairy. He’s the guy you go to with any kind of milky queries.

The omnipotent Fifa Pro Clubs CAM, matched only by ‘Keith’ and ‘The Gargoyle’ renown for the 4 bar screamer.

Goes about their daily business under a pseudonym that usually adopts the initials CM, can often be found frequenting the nightclubs of Essex

Liam: “Damn it, I don’t know whether to use Yoghurt or Creme to counter this chilli sauce”.

Danny: “Have you consulted the Yoghurt Overlord?”

Liam: “Nah where can I find them?”

Matt: “It’s past 9pm so Subby-Z is your best bet.”

Titchyy14

A sparkalaphobic Neil Warnock impersonator with a penchant for biased opinions towards Aston Villa.

Can regularly be found performing ultimate levels of shithousery on the Sunday league football pitch and teaching young children to swear at their parents and siblings.

Titchyy is someone that has the ability to summon bats to his side at will and often enjoys their company over that of a permanent human companion.

Jack: I don’t know how to describe Richard he’s just on another level.

Josh: He’s Titchyy14. End of.

Jack: You know what, I think you’re right.

Fat Fat Fatty Fat Walrus

A complete waste of skin and air, has limited social skills and is the ultimate in minimum effort and minimum achievement. Is know to have a BMI that would give the equivalent mass of a small moon. Often uses the alias of Bladezz online and can regularly be found stalking the forums of 4chan searching for fellow neeks and teen to gawp at.

Jack is such a 'fat fat fatty fat walrus' man, we need to do something about it asap.

The Wilkinson Integer

The calculable point where the amount of wass being spouted by an individual reaches unbearable levels for those around them.

Ben: *sings unintelligibly*

Dan: “You chat so much Wass its unreal”

Danny: “Mate please just stop, you’ve hit the Wilkinson integer”

xSpudhead

All round Top Bloke and Mariners Ultra.

Rules his shed domain with the iron fisted nature of a fascist dictator but is a must have in any friendship group.
Can regularly be found prowling the isles of his local budget superstore for Karens and other ne'er-do-wells. As such their alter-ego of PC Spud is well placed to clamp down hard on idiots and pisstakers.

Is known to have a fear of Cats and Aeroplanes, an intolerance of bullshit and a loathing of Scunthorpe.

Infamously got Stuart Pearce to sign a Fanta bottle, so as to not “dirty” the shirt he was wearing.

Jack: “Help I have a problem that I can’t solve and I can’t find Vanilla Ice or the A-Team… what am I going to do?”

Richard: “Call xSpudhead he’ll always have you covered.”