McCarthy Standard Time

The time difference from your chosen time zone (BST, EST, ECT. etc) to the one being used by a terrible time keeper. Usually meaning they will vastly underestimate the time they need to complete a task or overestimate how fast they can travel somewhere, making them the constant reason for delays in planning and execution of group activities.

Cal: I’ll be home in 10 minutes and load up a playlist as soon as i get online. So… gimme 20 minutes and we’re set.

Dan: Is that GMT or McCarthy Standard Time?

Jack: See you in an hour Cal. 🙄

The Biscuit Conundrum

The calculation or guestimate required to work out just the right amount of alcohol and “vitamin powder” you can stand before having to play Sunday league at 10 in the morning.

Often miscalculated, leading to injuries, vomiting and disappointed teammates.

Richard: “What’s George doing over there?”

Jack: “Trying to work out his prematch limits.”

Andrew: “Oh. The Biscuit Conundrum.”

Daniel: “I hope he gets it right. He’s got a relegation 6 pointer tomorrow morning”

The Robson Coefficient

A value representative of someone's ability to hold out when under immense pressure from friends or family, even if it is to do something they really want to do or will really enjoy. Can be calculated by the equation: (Stubbornness x Need to be right) cubed.

George: I want to get Dan to play pro clubs again but I don't think he's going to do it.

Daniel: Yeah he's a stubborn bastard.

Matty: Have you applied the Robson Coefficient?

The Lawrence Paradox

When you ask your friend to make a choice between 2 things that make no difference to you or your group and they say “I don’t mind” or “I don’t care, you choose”. This results in an argument trying to make them choose before someone eventually gets pissed off enough to make the choice for them.

Joe: “ Hey Liam do you want to play out wide or in the centre on pro clubs tonight?”
Liam: “I don’t care, I’ll play wherever after everyone else has chosen.”
Danny: “Oh shit you shouldn’t have asked him that, you’ve now entered ‘The Lawrence Paradox’.”

Gyte’s Factor

A multiplication factor used to calculate how long someone with a ‘delicate posterior’ takes to have a shit. (Approximately 3.5-4.0)

Often taking obscene lengths of time for the most un-noteworthy of bowel movements, thus delaying countless trips, activities and functions.

George: How long has Danny been away shitting? Surely he can’t take this long.

Josh: I know it should only be 10-15 minutes.

Jack: Have you applied Gyte’s Factor? That would take it to at least 30 minutes.

Yoghurt Overlord

The ruler of all dairy. He’s the guy you go to with any kind of milky queries.

The omnipotent Fifa Pro Clubs CAM, matched only by ‘Keith’ and ‘The Gargoyle’ renown for the 4 bar screamer.

Goes about their daily business under a pseudonym that usually adopts the initials CM, can often be found frequenting the nightclubs of Essex

Liam: “Damn it, I don’t know whether to use Yoghurt or Creme to counter this chilli sauce”.

Danny: “Have you consulted the Yoghurt Overlord?”

Liam: “Nah where can I find them?”

Matt: “It’s past 9pm so Subby-Z is your best bet.”

Caveey

The kind of man who uses incense at home for none religious/spiritual purposes.

The kind of man who finds exhibitionism the ultimate turn on.

Jack: Have you heard about Andy recently?

Rich: Yeah, he's become a real Caveey recently.