he could work for BP

Used to describe someone who makes a snafu out of something deceptively simple. Refers to the 2010 BP oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico. Can also be used in the feminine sense, as in "she could work for BP."

Dave: "Did you see Robert Green fuck up that easy save that could have won the game for England?"
Ralph: "That was devastating. He should have had that damn ball!"
Dave: "Hell, if he keeps playing that badly, he could work for BP!"

Sarah: "Oh, I cannot fucking BELIEVE Kimberly! How could she fuck up my order?"
Amber: "I know. She could work for BP."

6👍 1👎

I could be a zookeeper, but I'm not...

Phrase said as response when someone says something ridiculously pointless and lame that no one could possibly ever give a shit about.

Man 1: I wish Nickelback would come to Tuscon on their tour!
Man 2: I could be a zookeeper, but I'm not...

16👍 6👎

i could do it switch

This is a phrase that skaters use when they are jealous of another skater that is able to do the same trick they learned but was able to learn it in a shorter amount of time.

Tracy: ey i could finally backside flip

Ryan: so what, i could do it switch

Milo: dude, stop being a jealous bitch

14👍 5👎

I could care less

A twisted, incorrect version of "I couldn't care less", invented by Americans (who else?) that clearly means the exact opposite of what is intended.
Idiots caught using it will offer up pitiful excuses such as "it's sarcasm, DUH!", or "it's historically acceptable, I'm not stupid, YOU'RE stupid!"
It is obvious to anyone who actually knows how to use sarcasm, or doesn't believe that stupidity is a recent invention, that these excuses represent nothing more than a transparent attempt to cover up the shame of talking like an idiot for most of their lives.

Stupid: "Pfft, I could care less about that".
I'mWithStupid: "You mean you *couldn't* care less. To say you could care less means you care at least a little. You're stupid, Stupid."
Stupid: "No, I was being sarcastic, *obviously*."
I'mWithStupid: "That doesn't even make sense."
Stupid: "Well, it's been used since the 1960s so it must be right!"
I'mWithStupid: "The fact that you still haven't corrected a mistake made by an idiot that long ago just makes you look *more* stupid."
Stupid: "...What were we talking about again?"
I'mWithStupid: "I couldn't care less..."

109👍 66👎

If Looks Could Kale Burger

A special burger that's topped with kale

"Hey Bob, what's the burger of the day?" "It's the If Looks Could Kale Burger, it comes with kale!"

58👍 30👎

I Could Care Less

When people say "I could care less" it is always important to ask the follow up question, "So how much less do you care? A lot less, just a little bit less" because "I could care less" is pretty much meaningless until you understand what "less" means for the person using the phrase incorrectly

Bob - "I love sunny days"
Jane - "I could care less"
Bob - "I see, so how much less are you capable of caring? I'd just like to know for the future when I am going to comment on the weather, if it's just a little bit less then I will continue commenting, if it's a whole lot less then I'll take that into consideration the next time and refrain from such comments"
Jane - "Thank you for educating me, from now on I will avoid the question by saying the phrase correctly, so Bob, I couldn't care less about you loving sunny days"

37👍 23👎

the game disk could not be read

when your 6 and you have a Wii game, but when you pop it in, the text "the game disk could not be read" shows up, it means you should be pissed because the disk has a scratch in it and might never work again. There is a chance that if you take the disk out then put it back in, it will be fine.

oh fucking shit, it said the game disk could not be read, i'm so fucked