I have to sleep

Used when it’s late at night and you don't want to answer a question.

Person #1: “Did you take Mia out on a date?”
Person #2: “Dude, it’s 4am right now. I have to sleep.”

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I HAVE CHORTLES

Fawful's catchphrase from Mario & Luigi: Bowser's Inside Story. An amusing, mocking, insulting laugh.

Bowser: Hey! What's the story with this crazy statue? It's going nuts!
Fawful: I HAVE CHORTLES!

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I have spoken!

An epic way to say that what you have said is law and/or true and anything contrary is irrelevant and untrue

You're an idiot.

How the fu-

I HAVE SPOKEN!

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I have no recollection

Typically invoked by governmental officials during sworn testimony to the U.S. Congress to deny potentially damaging -- politically and/or criminally -- behavior.

From the 1994 film "Clear and Present Danger" starring Harrison Ford:

Jack Ryan: Who authorized this?
Robert Ritter: I'm sure they'll ask you that.
Jack Ryan: Who authorized it?
Robert Ritter: I have no recollection, Senator

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i have the screenshots

when you are explaining some serious tea and you have proof

omg she litreally said *** ***** **** ***
i have the screenshots

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I have no pants on

A most highly effective statement one can use to quickly end an episode of unwanted texting with a platonic friend.

It seemed she was unable to stop what had become endless workplace texting and so I texted, “I have no pants on,” which brought it to a screeching halt for the rest of the afternoon.

I have issues

The first step towards recovery.

Guy A: "Man, I keep filming my little sister while she's sleeping... I have issues."
Guy B: No shit.

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