classic liberal

A modern conservative using an outdated term from the 19th century to identify themselves. Essentially, a classic liberal believes in an unregulated free market, like a conservative, but doesn't care about social freedoms and benefits, because those beliefs don't benefit corporations (so shut up minorities and people of atypical sexes and gender identifications; and fuck you, welfare programs). So yeah, they're just your average conservative. The point of using this name for themselves is to make their politics more appealing to the masses, as they assume most people won't know or have the inclination to look up what a classic liberal is.

Guy 1: "I'm not a conservative anymore. I'm a classic liberal now!"

Guy 2: "So you're a conservative with a Trojan horse name?"

Guy 1: "NO! FUCK YOU! THAT'S FAKE NEWS!!!! STOP STIFLING MY FREE SPEECH!!!! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!"
(Guy 1 then proceeds to fling his own feces at everyone around him to distract from being exposed)

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Classical liberal

“I got fired and now I have to shill for the conservatives so I don’t have to be a slave like the rest of the peasants 😢” ~ Fine one “classical liberal” who doesn’t have this exact backstory.... Go ahead.... I’ll wait... I actually DARE you to find a single one that doesn’t have this backstory. Classical liberals are the “Vindicators” of modern society.

Hym “Hey, Classical liberal... what do you believe?”

Classical liberal “Well, I believe whatever I need to believe to wield my grotesquely limited skill set against the populous...”

Hym “But what do you REALLY believe?”

Classical liberal “wHaT dO yOu mEaN bY bElIeVe!?!?!?”

Hym “Tsssk 🤦 ♂️.... Jesus Christ... Yeah... I see why you were fired... Ok. Hold on... Ok, I just started a business. You’re officially my first employee.”

Classical liberal “No thanks I...”

Hym “You’re fired.... Aw God, yeah...That’s better. Sorry but it’s almost impossible to NOT fire someone as tedious as you, I mean, holy shit! 😩 That feels so much better!”

Classical liberal “Iam! Please you have to hire me I’ll say whatever you want! 😭”

Iam “Wha... I... I don’t own a business. What are you... You didn’t even want the job! Stop... You're getting snot on me...”

Classical Liberal “PLEASE!!” 😭

Iam “I... I don’t know what to do here... You got fired by Hym so now you’re groveling at my feet for a job because... I’m the opposite? You don’t have to... I think he’s doing a bit... Are... Are you a part of the bit? I don’t understand what’s happening here...”

Hym “He can’t help it Iam... It’s in his nature. You have to hire him. If you don’t he’ll have to be like everyone else and work for his money! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!”