psychiatric proctologist

Medical specialist who helps people get their heads out of their asses

Dipshit, you are a fool; you require a psychiatric proctologist to help you get your head out of your ass.

non-psychiatric illness

An illness where the doctors could find a tangible cause through modern methods of divination (such as blood tests and x-rays) and therefore feel confident that potions, cutting, and the application of poisons with powerful paradoxical mojo will surely work and not be wasted. Such illnesses are called "structural", the opposite of which is "functional." When divination methods fail or produce ambiguous results, the patient is said to have a functional or psychiatric illness and is given specific time periods to bitch and moan about imaginary problems. This is not considered respectable because it fails to promote the position and power of the medical profession.

-You know how that weirdo Craig acts like such a psycho, crying all the time, yelling, making no sense, frothing at the mouth and all kinds of other scary shit?
-Oh yeah, I told the dude straight up that he needs professional help.
-OMG, dude! Turns out they did an x-ray on his head. It's all kinds of messed up in there. Turns out Craig has a non-psychiatric illness.
-No way! That is so weird. Well, anyone who acts like that needs professional help anyway, IMHO.