Shitternet

Shitty internet service such as dial-up or DSL which makes loading websites difficult and streaming impossible.

Because I have shitternet I can’t watch Netflix or Hulu.

Shitternet is slower than usual today so I can’t send you that photo.

shitternet explorer

(Noun) A slow, buggy, and overall bad internet browser, made by Microsoft.

Example 1
-This web page's images are cut up
-That's what you get when you use shitternet explorer.
Example 2
-Oh damn shitternet explorer opened by accident. Now it's going to ask me if I want to make it my default browser. Now it crashed.

Shitternets

A made up "disease" that infects devices and gives them painfully slow WiFi or cellular data.

Joe: Godammit! Why can't I place a call?!
Bob: Must be a case of the shitternets.