Fort Clocks

Fort Clocks is the United States' national depository of timepieces. All of the nation's important clocks, watches, sundials, etc. are held in this near impenetrable fortress located in scenic Charleston, West Virginia. Fort Clocks was deliberately not built in Kentucky like the equally important Fort Knox because Kentucky resides in a state that is split between two time zones and is thus inconvenient for a fortress tasked with maintaining the world's most important timepieces. Of the invaluable clocks contained within the cement walls of Fort Clocks include: The World's Fastest Clock, one of those melting clocks Dali used in his paintings, the atomic clock (which runs almost entirely on the cutting age technology of 'atoms'), the pocket watch that Abraham Lincoln was looking at before his unfortunate death, the new year's eve timer that sits below the ball in New York, an hour glass filled entirely with the souls of dead orphans, the world's most inaccurate sundial, and the timer used in the hit show '24'.

Fort Clocks also harbors an elite military force that is responsible for maintaining the natural flow of time by assassinating anyone in research of time travel. This task force is single handedly responsible for why Einstein's "Theory" of Relativity is still just theory.

Built in 1876 to mark the centennial of the signing of the declaration of independence, Fort Clocks boasts a plethora of defensive features. No one can know for sure exactly what those features are since most of Fort Clocks is underground and visitors are not permitted to be within 800 meters of the structure, but rest assured that our nation's clocks under protected with the greatest care and precision.

"I tried to break into Fort Clocks, but I was shot"

"The scientist was about to make an important breakthrough in time travel, but the Fort Clocks Time Patrol showed up and he was shot"

"Eunice said she never heard of Fort Clocks, so she was smacked upside the head."

"Eunice said Fort Clocks doesn't exist, so she was smacked upside the head."

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clock-blocked

When a coworker or other issue stops you from leaving work on time. Compareable to cock-block.

I had plenty to do tonight, but I got clock-blocked at the copy machine and left later than a motha-fucka, son-bitch.

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busological clock

Somebody who takes the same bus as you, that without meaning too, signals you that if you don't get your butt outside soon, you won't have a ride.

Kid:"Bye Mom."
Mom:"Why are you leaving now, you haven't even finished your breakfast?"
Kid:"Oh, Jake just walked by..he's my busological clock."
Mom:"Okay dear, have a great day at school!"

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Grandfather-Clock

When one gets on a table without your pants on, and swing your junk left to right.

I did a Grandfather-Clock to your mom

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corn clock

A way to calculate how long it takes food to digest by eating corn and then checking your poop.

According to my corn clock, it takes 7 hours before I poop out what I eat.

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clock somebody

To knock someone out.

Ron Artest wanted to clock somebody in the Palace

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death clock

A revolutionary Web tool that tells you when you will die, leaving a nice fuzzy feeling inside your stomach.

"... I just checked how long I have to live by the death clock, I'm glad I have only three more days until I die. I was getting sick of life anyway..."

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