I would rather shit on my hands and clap

When someone would like you to go, do or attend something you rather wouldn't.

Friend: hey do you wanna go for a Nandos?
Me: I would rather shit on my hands and clap.

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One hand clapping

Knowing something before it occurs.

I knew we were going to win because I could already hear the sound of one hand clapping.

Clap Hands

Origin: Vancouver, Canada.

To remove or get rid of evidence.

Guy #1: Ay, man, I think some blues just caught me scramblin'.

Guy #2: What?

Guy #1: Yeah it was serious.

Guy #2: Yo, you need to clap hands, my dude.

Shit in your hand and clap

A phrase that displays disdain, anger or frustration.

Scout from Team Fortress 2: What the hell is you guys' problem?!
Some guy: Shit in your hand and clap.
Scout from Team Fortress 2: But then I'll have shit in TWO hands!