Nashville Statement

A disgusting and laughable attempt by an illegitimate organization which tried to instruct people of the Christian faith to believe beliefs practiced in the middle ages.

Only people in the middle ages would've believed the Nashville Statement.

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Blith Statement

The type excuse you make to ditch your friends for someone else whether it be others friends or your boyfriend/girlfriend.

Guy 1: Dang man why'd you cancel the plans for yesterday.

Guy2: I had other things to do at home.

Guy 1: Yeah right, sounds like a Blith Statement.

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Non-statement

A futile statement, which points out the obvious, in a situation where you cannot make a contradicting claim.

A random company might state on their website: "We shall comply with all laws and regulations governing information security".
Obviously, they cannot make a contradicting claim, e.g. "we will not comply with laws and regulations, if we bloody hell do not feel like it".
Thus the policy statement in the web page, is a non-statement.

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statement of intent

Telling a girl/guy you are interested in them. Usually sexual.

Him: What do you like most about doing pottery?
Her: You know, I just love molding the clay. It's so satisfying being able to create something with your hands.
Him (statement of intent): Wow, I love that you're so passionate about that. And you have such a physical enjoyment of it. That's really sexy.

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Stoner Statement

A statement that will confuse and incapacitate a person under the influence. Philosoraptor quotes are synonyms for stoner statements

Some stoner statements:

"Why do noses run while feet smell?"

"If actions are louder than words, then why is the pen mightier than the sword?"

"If guns don't kill people and people kill people, then toasters don't toast toast, toast toast toast"

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Rhetorical Statement

Any statement that is intended to not have any feedback, output, or response to it. They aren't usually meant to be funny, but when they are, they're normally just considered sarcasm, and are left trailing off.

1)
A) Damn it's hot outside.
B) I know.
A) Thanks for responding, that was a rhetorical statement.

2)
A) Wow, that chick has huge...
B) Boobs?
A) Killed it, B.

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cake statement

A statement which is much like the cake in Portal, meaning that it is a lie. These types of statements are common with CEOs, presidents, Toyota, Fox News, bankers, and evil supercomputers.

Toyota exec - We have finally fixed the unintended acceleration issues on all new Toyotas!
*Fresh off the line Prius smashes in*
Person - They always be makin' cake statements.