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A bastard carpenter who was constantly followed by a group of stoners convinced that he was the son of god. He was born the son of a prostitute (stage name: 'The Virgin Mary') and one of a trio of kings who were present at his birth (the impregnation a result of a failed condom during an orgy involving said trio and prostitute) offering child support in the form of gifts so as not to arouse the suspicion of the husband (he was not aware of his wife's 'other' occupation).
Jesus (pronounced "ho-zay" but interpreted as "Jee-zus" because the bloody English can't do anything right) would take up carpentry as his trade years later after an incident where he was lost in a dessert for a great many years and failed to pass in his admission essay for law-school by the due date. It was at this time that the druggies appeared into his life, lazily hanging out in the alley next to Jesus' workshop. The exact reason for being dubbed the son of god is still debated by scholars but it is rumored that it had something to do with a neck injury Jesus had sustained, resulting in his wearing of a halo neck brace for a month or so.
In approximately 35 AD (Time Paradox?), Jesus was convicted of being a cannibal and vampire after a dinner party at which he supposedly served blood-wine and people-bread. He was crucified and stabbed with a spear (overkill) by a group of hateful Jews.
He was resurrected, however, by by a combination of necromancy and T-virusmancy as a zombie. A great many people died by his hands and he went uncontested for many years (he is credited with the Black Death) until a group of religious fanatics lead by L. DaVinci captured and deported him to Mexico. There he lives today, running rampant and sating his bloodlust by killing goats under the alias 'El Chupacabra'.
"And now you know the rest of the jesus story"
-Paul Harvey
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Jesus christ is the basis for all zombie movies ever made.
Jesus was born human, died a human death and then was resurrected by some unnatural means.
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a.k.a jesus fucking christ, jesus tap dancing christ and jesus child molestion christ, he seemed to be a good man, and he probally didnt want his beliefs to turn into a cult as it has become, but hey, theres nothin he can do about it he is dead
my pastor: the bible says i can touch you where ever i want, so shut up
me: what?!? the bible just has little kids stories in it
my paster: jesus child molesting christ just take off your clothes
me: help?!?!?!
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JESU! = a false christ, often miss-pelt by death eaters or leia.
"hey g2g, church bru!11!"
"okay say hi to JESU!!"
"OMG DEATH EATER"
*VOLDI ENTERS*
"AVADA KEVADRA"
*EVERYONE*
"dayyyyummm"
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straight, cool, smart, intelligent, funny, mokka, interesting, mutton kushka, siga hating, tit lover, awesome, fun, laid, hard, horny, lazy , mama
i would love to be jesued.
get jesued.
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The king of kings and the Lord of Lords!! A man that will accept you for who you are and save your soul and he will never judge you just love you!!!
I praise you Jesus the rock of ages!
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1. Protagonist in the fictional book known as the holy bible.
2. Also a swear word.
"Jesus H Particular Christ!"
"Jesus Christ on a bicycle."
"Jesus isn't real."
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