today on things

Expression. Short-hand for "Today on things that happened".

Used when someone is lying, or exaggerating a story. Often used on the internet and seldom in real life.

"Here's a picture of the house I paid off in two years using essential oils!! #BossBabe"

"Today on things"

Russia Today

Propaganda outlet of the Russian government

I don't watch Russia Today, so I am ok.

Yesterday Today

Used during that awkward timeframe where you've stayed awake past midnight, and thus the "today" in your head is technically yesterday

At 3am

Friend 1: Yesterday today was amazing

Friend 2: Please just say today, I know what you're talking about

uncle jack hasn't come by today

This is when a guy/girl hasn't had the time to do his/her daily jack-off and is pent up and taking it out on others. If you are not a daily masturbater then this could also be used as "uncle jack hasn't come by this week/month"

"I'm sorry for being a jerk, uncle jack hasn't come by today and it has be all riled up"