Rural Dictionary

Charles Clarke

Charles Clarke was formerly the Home Secretary in Tony Blair's fascist New Labour Government. His physical appearance was that of a beetroot-faced commandant, while his policies explicitly stated that for reasons of national security, every person living in Britain needed to be fingerprinted,, investigated, and issued with an ID card which was to be carried at all times under threat of arrest and torture.

Under the excuse of a nationwide epidemic, the terrifyingly named Avian Flu (which had already killed 23 people throughout Asia and Europe) he planned to instigate a curfew and using the pretext of "inoculation" to insert into every British person a microchip similar to the ones used on domestic pets.

His department was also in charge of the criminal records unit which provided employers with details of the criminal records of the public. Sadly such was the ruthless inefficiency of this department that 3000 people ended up wrongly portrayed as criminals when they were in fact innocent.
He was also in charge of the department which released thousands of foreign murderers, rapists and thugs onto the streets when they should actually have been deported.

Clarke was a monstrous, deluded and incompetent man who loved to portray the British public as rampant, dangerous criminals, preaching that to preserve our freedom we had to surrender it. He delighted in proposing draconian laws to protect us from "terrorists" when in fact if such people actually existed, his demonstrable incompetence would ensure that they would succeed. Luckily for the British people, the "terrorists" were largely the invention of Tony Blair and MI5. If anybody wanted to blow things up, with Clarke in charge they would almost certainly succeed.
Perhaps his most hateful attribute was his personal manner; he liked to cultivate the air of a magisterial headmaster, sternly doling out justice from on high. During a particularly bad televised savaging, he was seen to be taking notes - although personally I suspected he was writing a letter along the lines of "Dear Auntie Maggie, I am on some godawful pleb television show where members of the public are openly encouraged to question my competence. When will they realise I am not here to answer their questions, I am here to punish them for living in this country.. they'll be sorry when they're sent to the new subversive internment camps I've got planned..."

Clarke was finally booted out after public outcry grew so strident that even Prime Minister Tony Blair, He Who Will Not Listen, was forced to sack him.

"Nobody is innocent... we're just here to determine the level of guilt." - Charles Clarke

"Every person currently in Britain is a potential threat to the Labour Party and we must recognise this and act on it."

"1000 foreign criminals released? I'm sorry, I don't know anything about that, despite the fact that it's my full-time job to know these things. Hail Blair!"

"3000 innocent people branded as criminals? Tough. They will get NO compensation from me or anyone else. Quite frankly, I believe that they probably were guilty of something, it's just that my department was too incompetent to find out what... Hail Blair!"

by Anne Observer June 7, 2006

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James Charles

Charles Clarke

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