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The offspring and by product of a clone hybriding of Chuck Norris and Charlie Sheen. Where by only the X chromosomes were extracted from each one and combined to create the utlimate most Godlike femme in the history of the universe. Charlie Norrises posses eye popping powers of seduction that surpass anything the world has ever known.
Charlie Norris has the body of a thoroughbred mare.
Charlie Norris is the substance of boy's wet dreams and old men's fantasies.
When Charlie Norris came out of her artificial placenta a thousand grown men simultaneously wept, sprouted wings, and began fornicating (like that hot scene in the movie beowulf).
Charlie Norris's first words were to Jesus and those words were: "I taste fire."
Charlie Norris can go down a waterslide at a water park and not get wet.
Charlie Norris's cleavage can talk her out of a nudity ticket.
Charlie Norris gets free stuff with her smile.
Charlie Norris gets presents for your birthdays.
Charlie Norris doesn't drive she has a chauffeur for that.
When you look up vixen in the dictionary you see a picture of Charlie Norris.
Isabella: Why can't I a be total bombshell.
Me: You're not Charlie Norris. 'Nuff said.
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The phenomena that is Chuck Norris and facts proving he is one bad motha... SHUT YO MOUTH.
I'm just talkin 'bout Chuck....
These facts are popularly known in the realm of cool people.
I'm serious. Look it up in Wikipedia.
That is all, says Chuck.
Chuck Norris Facts:
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
There are two types of people in the world⊠people that suck, and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norrisâ sperm can be seen with the naked eye. Each one is the size of a quarter.
Chuck Norris is responsible for Chinaâs over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris has banned rainbows from the state of North Dakota.
When chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
If Chuck Norris wants your opinion, heâll beat it into you.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
Whoever said âonly the good die youngâ was probably in Chuck Norrisâs kindergarten class.
Guantuanamo Bay, Cuba, is the military code-word for âChuck Norrisâ basementâ.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris wipes his rear with chain mail and sandpaper.
Chuck Norris? sperm is so badrear, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and 7 months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.
Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and footballâ in that order
Instead of having a cigarette after sex, Chuck Norris heads outside and brands his cattle.
In 1990, Chuck Norris founded the non-profit organization âKick Drugs Out of Americaâ. If the organizationâs name were âRoundhouse Kick Drugs out of Americaâ, there wouldnât be any drugs in the Western Hemisphere. Anywhere.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography
Chuck Norris CAN in fact âraise the roofâ. And he can do it with one hand.
Chuck Norris is the only man who has, literally, beaten the odds. With his fists.
Some people like to eat frogsâ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.
Two wrongs donât make a right. Unless youâre Chuck Norris. Then two wrongs make a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. And a head.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
They were going to release a Chuck Norris edition of Clue, but the answer always turns out to be âChuck Norris. In The Library. With a Roundhouse Kick.â
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris shot the sheriff, but he round house kicked the deputy.
Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.
Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.
As President Roosevelt said: âWe have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.â
When taking the SAT, write âChuck Norrisâ for every answer. You will score over 8000.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
After returning from World War 2 unscathed, Bob Dole was congratulated by Chuck Norris with a handshake. The rest is history.
Never look a gift Chuck Norris in the mouth, because he will bite your dang eyes off.
The word âKillâ was invented by Chuck Norris. Other words were âDieâ, âBeerâ, and âWhatâ.
Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.
Chuck Norris can win at solitaire with only 18 cards.
Chuck Norris doesnât chew gum. Chuck Norris chews tin foil.
On the set of Walker Texas Ranger Chuck Norris brought a dying lamb back to life by nuzzling it with his beard. As the onlookers gathered, the lamb sprang to life. Chuck Norris then roundhouse kicked it, killing it instantly. This was just to prove that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
In ancient China there is a legend that one day a child will be born from a dragon, grow to be a man, and vanquish evil from the land. That man is not Chuck Norris, because Chuck Norris killed that man.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, âBang!â
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Here are some chuck jokes:
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris used live ammunition during all shoot-outs. When a director once said he couldn't, he replied, "Of course I can, I'm Chuck Norris," and roundhouse kicked him in the face.
If paper beats rock, rock beats scissors, and scissors beats paper, what beats all 3 at the same time? Answer: Chuck Norris.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
On the 7th day, God rested.... Chuck Norris took over.
When his martial arts prowess fails to resolve a situation, Chuck Norris plays dead. When playing dead doesn't work, he plays zombie.
Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.
Scientists used to believe that diamond was the world's hardest substance. But then they met Chuck Norris, who gave them a roundhouse kick to the face so hard, and with so much heat and pressure, that the scientists turned into artificial Chuck Norris.
God offered Chuck Norris the gift to fly, which he swiftly declined for super strength roundhouse ability.
When Chuck Norris was denied a Bacon McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a KFC.
Chuck Norris drinks napalm to quell his heartburn.
A duck's quack does not echo. Chuck Norris is solely responsible for this phenomenon. When asked why he will simply stare at you, grimly.
Chuck Norris once tried to defeat Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. When Norris lost, he won in life by roundhouse kicking Kasparov in the side of the face.
Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.
Chuck Norris doesn't believe in Germany.
If you want a list of Chuck Norris' enemies, just check the extinct species list.
Chuck Norris has never blinked in his entire life. Never.
When Chuck Norris' wife burned the turkey one thanksgiving, Chuck said, "don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris doesn't need to swallow when eating food.
If Superman and The Flash were to race to the edge of space you know who would win? Chuck Norris.
Ironically, Chuck Norris' hidden talent is invisibility.
Chuck Norris eats transformer toys in vehicle mode and poos them out transformed into a robot.
Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris is kicking your ass, don't be offended or hurt, he may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.
Chuck Norris invented water.
Chuck Norris went looking for a bar but couldn't find one. He walked to a vacant lot and sat there. Sure enough within an hour an a half someone constructed a bar around him. He then ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Chuck Norris yelled over the roar of the flames, "always leave things the way you found em!"
One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.
Contrary to popular belief, Chuck Norris, not the box jellyfish of northern Australia, is the most venomous creature on earth. Within 3 minutes of being bitten, a human being experiences the following symptoms: fever, blurred vision, beard rash, tightness of the jeans, and the feeling of being repeatedly kicked through a car windshield.
Chuck Norris is Luke Skywalker's real father.
Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.
Before science was invented it was once believed that autumn occurred when Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked every tree in existence.
In the original pilot for Star Trek Next Generation, Chuck Norris can be seen powering the USS Enterprise warp drive with his roundhouse kicks.
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.
Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norrisâ beard. There is only another fist.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isnât lifting himself up, heâs pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norrisâ hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.
There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water AND make it drink.
Chuck Norris doesnât wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris gave Mona Lisa that smile.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost
Remember the Soviet Union? They decided to quit after watching a DeltaForce marathon on Satellite TV.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
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Jokes made about the overrated, has-been actor Chuck Norris.
Examples of Chuck Norris Jokes:
Chuck Norris fought Mr. T, Rambo, Tupac, Bruce Lee, and the pink and yellow Power Rangers and lost, then vowed never to return to the nursing home on Halloween again.
Chuck Norris once attempted round house kicking Jet Li. His leg broke when it connected with the television, then he fell and broke his hip.
Chuck Norris almost turned down the offer to make a cameo in the movie "Dodgeball" on the grounds that he doesn't like to dodge ballsâhe prefers to have them resting on his chin.
When Chuck Norris completes a push-up, he does not actually move all the way down, it's the Earth moving up and punching him in the face.
Chuck Norris has been confused with Santa Clause, because whenever he enters a little boy's room he leaves with an empty sack.
Chuck Norris' penis is so small that when he has an orgasm the sperm are released in a single file line.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. During his stay he was arrested while attempting to have sexual intercourse with an island.
Chuck Norris beats off to "Pretty in Pink" three times a day with a wax figure of Andrew McCarthy lodged in his ass.
Chuck Norris was fired and arrested from his job at a Dallas Texas school after a video showed him smelling the football playersâ jock straps. He was taken into custody oddly enough by a real Texas Ranger named Walker
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Chuck Norris has never seen a punch coming. He has only seen men adjust their shoulder slightly before he roundhouse kicks them in their face.
Surprising Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, only slaughters.
Chuck Norris choose the last pope
Sharks don't bite people when Chuck Norris goes for a swim.
A Bear can smell a drop of blood 2 miles away. Chuck Norris can smell fear 5.
Norris made history in 1997 when he was the first Westerner in the documented history of Tae Kwon Do to be given the rank of 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master. In 2017 he will make history again when kicks everybodys ass... AT THE SAME TIME.
Chuck Norris doesn't carry atm cards, he only goes to registers and says CREDIT.
When Chuck Norris was born he gave the doctor a smack on the ass. The doctor still cry's till this day.
When Chuck Norris was a child he never asked WHY?
Chuck Norris didn't live through the cold war. He only put on and extra leather vest.
Chuck Norris is the only person that sees Shaq as a cute puppy.
Chuck Norris Facts are known to be true if this world were a utopia.
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n. The man with the hairiest balls on earth.
Chuck Norris is so cool he dusts ice cubes off his shoulders.
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Chuck Norris is cooooooooooooooly cooooooooool!
If you fed Chuck Norris 1Kg of organic matter he'd shit out enough fossil fuel to power the sun for the rest of time!
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