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There are lots of fart jokes, but this one holds a record, it’s around 4000 years old and is the oldest known joke. It's an ancient Sumerian proverb that says, "Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman who did not fart in her husband's lap.”
Fart fact 7 must have happened to every bloke who has ever had a girl sit on his lap.
Believe it or not your arse can tell whether you are going to fart or crimp off a length! The nerves in your rectum can tell whether it’s gas or solids on the move so if you need to let it go, let it go. There is, however, one exception; when you have a case of the runs, Kansas Quickstep if you prefer, and your crap is more liquid, the nerve endings can become confused which can result in a follow through.
“I know Fart Fact 12 says it’s not possible, but when Malcolm farts, it always smells like he he’s crapped himself.”
When a married couple resorts to using deadly toxic flatulence during their fights in order to get a leg up on the other in order to win the arguments.
My parents were the poster couple for conjugal fart wars, there was no way you could remain in the room during one of their powerful disagreements!
Farts travel quite quickly at around 3.05 meters per second, which is roughly 7 miles per hour, which is faster than your average jogger who moves at about 6 miles per hour.
“If you are jogging and you fart will it overtake you?”
“Yes, Fart Fact 9!”
If you think you fart a lot, guess again, you probably don't fart as much as you think you do. Often, people go to their doctor complaining of having too much gas, but chances are, they are just imagining it. These people are usually told to go home and keep a record of when they fart. Gastroenterologist Dr Michael Levitt found that most of these people fall within the normal range of farts per day (see fart fact 5) and merely need to be shown that they are normal.
“Malcolm’s letting rip again, one of the exceptions to fart fact 6.”
If you eat certain food groups they can make your farts smell worse. When you eat a lot of sulphur rich foods like eggs and meat, your farts will smell worse because met and eggs breaks down to create hydrogen sulphide, which leads to the emission of the so-called rotten-egg fart.
“Malcolm says he only eats meat, eggs and dairy products.”
“No wonder his farts stink so much, he’s living proof of Fart Fact 3”
The shit-fart separator (AKA shitfart separator) is the muscle inside your colon, just above your bunghole, that is responsible for separating shits from farts. Usually a dormant muscle, the shit-fart separator is often only noticed if it's repeatedly squeezing and churning when one has diarrhea. The work of a healthy shit-fart separator usually results in dry farts.
I had bad diarrhea, and my shit-fart separator was in overdrive.
My shit-fart separator failed me and I accidentally sharted a little in my underwear.
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