The mushroom theory of management

An old, time-honored management technique in large corporations.

1. Keep your employees in the dark.
2. Feed them shit.
3. When they grow up, cut them off at the roots.

The CEO of XYZ Corp is a big believer in the mushroom theory of management.

Free Trial Asset Management

The 30 day free trial period Bloomberg gives you after losing your job. It enables you to still be part of the financial community after losing your job.

I just got fired from my job as a trader so now i'm working for Free Trial Asset Management.

Goodwin Management

An AI chatbot that HOAs hire to just tell you to “no” or to fill out forms.

I tried to reason with them but got the Goodwin Management instead.

Management Tunnel Vision

When someone of a higher power/management decides to act on impulse regardless of how anyone else feels or has concerns about, in other words they dont give a flying fuck and only care bout their status.

I hate when my managers dont listen to what i have to say, its like they have management tunnel vision.

Campaign manager

Code for pimp. Arranger of the booty. Wingman or wing-girl.

KP: Hey girl, I’m new to town and need a campaign manager, my pussy is drying up
Rabs: I can totally help you hit that - there’s a funraiser at the bar tonight

Management love-in

A peaceful gathering of senior staff focussing on self-congratulation and bonding, with blissful lack of awareness of duties neglected during the event, and of how pitifully inept, emotionally needy and ludicrous management looks to lower level staff. The more realistic title for such an event is used in confidence, as these events are promoted as a serious and necessary forums.

I'm so flat-out with all this work comen in I haven't got time to scratch meself. And I can't ask (insert manager name) to bring in a casual cos he's at this f**n management love-in.. Oh - look the Caterer - grab us a few sushi before the plates get taken in...

lighthouse management

The lighthouse manager circles around, focusing on one small aspect of the issue at a time, for less than a second, makes a snap decision ignoring the rest of the issues, then repeats 1 minute later making and entirely new snap decision. Result: project goes nowhere.

Manager: Why is that in Red?
Staff: it's the customer requirement.
Manager: but their logo is blue.. make it blue!
Staff: typical lighthouse management, it will be green tomorrow!!