Kentucky Mud Trumpet

n. a sex act in which a male straddles himself above the face of his partner (male or female) who is lying on their posterior side. the other partner proceeds to give the standing male a handy (i.e. manual stimulation of the penile organ). whilst receiving said handy, the male places the large end of a cooking funnel under his anus. ideally the male will have eaten a large amount of shwarma for the sex act to have the maximum impact. as the male receiving the handy nears completion, he strains his bowels, thusly relieving himself of all excrement into the funnel; the small end of the funnel is conveniently stored in the other partner's mouth. All of the liquidy stool will be stored in the partner's mouth while the other ejaculates. There are two endings to this situation. The partner with the fecal matter in his/her mouth can swallow or spit into a freezer mug. A variation on the sex act involves spitting the fecal matter back into his/her lover's mouth, who then spit's that fecal matter/saliva/vomit into the other's butthole. This can be repeated ad infinitum. This variation is known as a Louisville Mud Flugelhorn. When multiple people daisy chain this act together it is known as a Kentucky Mud Trumpet Derby.

Tony: Dude did you hear about a Kentucky Mud Trumpet

Bob: No

Tony: Yeah, it's pretty gross dude.

Bob: Sweeet.

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rusty trumpet

A penis with many warts/scars on it.

A severely aged penis.

"Hey Sally, I unzipped my boyfriends pants the other day only to find out he had a rusty trumpet, so I dumped him on the spot."

"Old people don't have sex because old men get rusty trumpet."

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off your trumpet

Pretty drunk. Cunted you could say.

Mate, you were off your trumpet last night. Feck. Did you see Wyatt? Nah neither did I

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Most Trumpet Players

Play too quietly.

Trumpet Player: Quiet
Sane Person: Most Trumpet Players Play so Quietly

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Alien trumpet basket

You fuck her mouth with your toe, Facetime her mum and grandparents, grate your pubes into her eyelids, then cum on her knee like it's an alien trumpet basket.

"Oi Dean, why she got cum on her knee?"

"Gave her an alien trumpet basket."

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blow me like a trumpet

A nifty phrase you can drop in the workplace that is sure to offend the ultra tight-ass crowd who have difficulty with crude references to body parts or sex.

Why of course it was entirely impulsive, inappropriate and sadly unprofessional for me to state, “well they can blow me like a trumpet!” - I should have better assessed my audience!

irish trumpet

When someone of Irish decent cums up their partners nose, and then smacks said partner in the lips with a still erected penis.

For example: "Dude's! I totally Irish Trumpet'd that chick at the pub last night!"

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