when the river runs red take the dirt road

when a woman is on her period and you are having sex flip her over and have anal sex

"when the river runs red take the dirt road", said my horny father

16👍 9👎

He was forced to eat cement when he was 6

Am I funny yet

Me: He was forced to eat cement when he was 6
Family: Why are you the way you are

5👍 3👎

When you realize you have school this Monday

When you realize you have school this Monday and it's no longer the weekend and you didn't prepare for school.

When you realize you have school this Monday.....
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

4👍 2👎

When all else fails, get a bigger hammer

AFTER thoroughly reading the instruction manual, of course, to see if that might help you to get it to work properly without resorting to such drastic measures :D

Seasoned mechanic, talking to an elderly long-retired grease-monkey buddy on the phone: I have a '58 Ford 350 two-ton flatbed here with a frozen rear brake-drum --- I've tried WD-40, I've tried penetrating-oil, I've banged on it with a two-pound sledge, and then even a five-pound sledge, but it still refuses to budge... any ideas?
Aged grease-monkey: Yes, indeed, Son --- get an eight-pounder and really have at it.
Seasoned mechanic, in plaintive shock: But... but... I'll BREAK it if I do THAT!
Aged grease-monkey, confidently: No, you won't --- trust me --- those beefy old solid-iron brakes are made extra-tough, specifically to safely withstand the extra force of being overhauled like this. Just get up your nerve and really clobber on it!
Mechanic, hesitantly: Okaayyy... if you say so... hold the line... gets a huge sledge hammer and reluctantly but resolutely bashes the ancient brake drum, then steps back in wide-eyed surprise when the ponderous hammer just harmlessly bounces off; emboldened, he rears back and really takes a mighty swing at the drum again, knocking the drum loose and sending it flying halfway across the shop. He picks it up and is flabbergasted to see that it is still fully intact, and with only a very minor surface-scuffing. So he lifts the phone again in pleased bewilderment Wow --- you were right... it came off with just two whacks, and I didn't damage it at all!
Aged mechanic: See? Tolja it would be okay... when all else fails, get a bigger hammer!

4👍 3👎

When the cat is away, the mice will come out and play

An expression referring to a married couple having sex while their kid is at a friend's house, or at school, or a sleepover, etc.

Fish: Dude what happened?

Mike: I walked in on my parents having sex and my mom looked at me and said, "When the cat is away, the mice will come out and play."

25👍 18👎

when life gets hard suck something hard

usually life gets hard for people so you should take my advice and suck something hard instead.

Life’s so hard why don’t i suck something hard like maddie said “when life gets hard suck something hard”

7👍 4👎

Wake Me Up When September Ends

A song by Green Day about not wanting the summer to end and having to deal with going back to our normal lives, time going by too fast, etc. Things that are on your mind before school starts. Basically the only good song on Green Day's new CD because everyone can relate to it and you can actually understand what Billie Joe is saying which is hard to do on most Green Day songs.

Summer has come and passed
The innocent can never last
Wake me up when September ends

Like my fathers come to pass
Seven years has gone so fast
Wake me up when September ends

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends

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