crimp one off

To take a sh*t and whilst it is midway through the batti, the 'crappee' sqeezes the ass muscle to cut it in half and leave the bathroom early.

"OMG! I'm late for my interview!!! Better crimp one off!"

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torque one off

to masturbate; to pop off a quick orgasm to calm nerves;

I'm going out with a hot chick tonight. I'm gonna torque one off before, so I don't pitch a tent around her.

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get one off

finish yourself while jacking off

Sorry, I had to get one off but I'm back!

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chuck one off

To engage in a solitary bout of onanism, to punish percy in the palm. To ask for a date with Mrs Palm's five lovely daughters.

"Ey up son, gonna chuck one off while I watch?"

"Sod off Mr Jackson."

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Thrown One Off

Male masturbation.

I arrived at Barry's, on the way in I caught a whiff. He'd just thrown one off.

Burn one off

To set fire to ones flatulent gassy fart. Can be done alone or as a party piece. If done with a crowd of mates a competitive element may arise to see who can burn off the longest flame.

"Quick, Lend me your lighter" said Andrew, "I've been on the baked beans, sprouts and Guinness again so stand well back while I burn one off".

fire one off

To fire one off is to take a crap.

I hadn't crapped for a month, until I couldn't hold it in any longer and I then just fired one off.

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