Delco Parade

A phenomenon that occurs in southeastern Pennsylvania, more specifically in Delaware County (a.k.a. Delco) where a group of cars line up “parade-style” behind each other, because one driver decides to do 25 mph in a 45 mph zone. The trend is extremely common, in fact, that it would be near impossible to go one day of driving through Delco without experiencing said parade. Usually cars pile up in the range of 5 to 15 cars backed up on side streets, high usage roadways, and even on major interstates such as I-95. The trend gradually increases when approaching Southeastern PA, when traveling from other states, such as NJ or even Delaware where they already drive slow enough.

Upon traveling the other way (away from Delco), drivers will notice a lighter hearted sense of well being as they drift further from this point of agitation in everyone’s lives. Even heading to NY, where traffic can be a bitch does one still feel a weight lifted off their shoulders. Likewise, a clear correlation between distance from Delco and level of agitation has been proven through multiple studies on the subject matter.

Additional studies on the exact cause or root of said phenomenon have been slightly conclusive, leaving multiple, possible root problems contributing to the disaster on PA roadways. For example, it has been observed that a lower level of intelligence exists in Delaware County. Many of the folks living in the area are white trash, or act white trash, many of whom comprise the lowest common denominator when it comes to education. In addition to a lack of intelligence/common sense/hick mentality, architecture has also contributed to the problem. Delaware County (Delco) houses a number of elderly residents in trailer parks. In fact Delco BOASTS that it has such affordable living. It is no secret that many of the elderly drive much slower than other much younger (and in my case more attractive & more intelligent) people. This root cause can be easily determined through observing the TYPE of vehicle said driver is driving. For example, if said driver is driving a boxy 1980’s era vehicle like a Dodge Aries, it can be easily determined that trailer parks are contributing to the root problem. On the other hand, someone driving a “penis substitute” American made oversized gas guzzling truck, it’s probably safe to assume a lack of intelligence is involved.

Combating the problem – Though the problem does infect most of Delaware County, studies have shown that avoiding roadways leading to Walmart, Target or the Dollar Tree can greatly reduce one’s commute time. Also, be wary of roads that don’t really go anywhere in particular, because many times people in Delco really don’t have a destination in mind and can be seen from time to time driving slowly to nowhere. To COMPLETELY avoid Delco Parades, it is urged that you completely bypass southeastern PA in its entirety. Trust me. You’re not really missing anything, unless hanging out at trailer parks or the Exxon at five points turns you on.

"Oh for fuck's sake, I was trying to go somewhere important fast, and now I'm six cars back, doing 25 mph in a Delco Parade."

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