Doghouse's Laws of Television

Situations in respect of people and programmes on Television.

From observation, recognising that the general standard of television in my opinion has deteriorated and continues to do so year by year, so much so I now watch very little, I’ve found as far as the programme quality and content on all television channels, the following Doghouse's Laws of Television often apply.

I started compiling this list several years ago and some of these "laws" are now occasionally mentioned by contributors to a specific TV network message board, though of course they can apply to any channel.
I'm sure other contributors may relate to some of them and can think of other examples of practices which could be added to the list.


With a new programme, if your impression of it after ten minutes is that it's going to be rubbish, you’ll only be right 95% of the time.


The number of advance programme trails screened, will be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme. The ”best bits” of any programme will be included in the trail.

The volume of background music will often be in inverse proportion to the amount of watchable activity on the screen at that time.


Any TV audience gets the standard of programmes it deserves. It’s no good complaining about the quality of a programme if you continue to watch it.

If an idea for a programme suggested to a TV network commissioning department isn’t another soap in one form or another, or requires an "in your face" presenter/auto-cutie, celebrities, judges, phone votes, or the inclusion of dysfunctional members of the public, it is unlikely to be made.

The number of programme presenters appearing at any one time, will usually be in inverse proportion to the quality of the programme.

The number and variety of similar programmes on TV, are likely to be in inverse proportion to their cost to present.

To reach the widest audience, in a programme where the subject is of a specific nature, it may include totally unrelated elements in an attempt to also “engage” viewers who aren’t the slightest bit interested in the actual topic, in a futile attempt to increase the ratings.

Some programmes, even a few news bulletins, given the level at which the programme makers pitch their production, should have the words; "for Dummies" added to the title.

If you've any doubts about watching a programme, from the trails or advertising you've seen, take a chance, give it a miss.

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