John Merrick

People Magazine's sexiest man alive for a record four times. Despite his overwhelming animal magnetism he maintains humility claiming: "I'm not an animal..." His universal sexual appeal makes women swoon and turns even the most macho men into fairy poofs like Tom Cruise, Sean Connery, Malcolm X, Jerry Falwell, Bear Grylls, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Rosie O'Donnell, and the offensive line of the New England Patriots. The Real Doll company is allegedly planning to release a John Merrick doll complete with hood; it is safe to say that it will supplant "Charlie" as the best seller.

Ben: Hey Tom, with that three pounds of deli meat covering your body you kinda resemble John Merrick...
Tom: Really...that's unreal...I gotta go find a mirror to masturbate to while making sucking noises.

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