Mattress Map

The deep, red, angry indentations that form on one’s face after a night of comatose-like sleep. Mattress maps generally appear when the unfortunate sleeper crashes on:

A) unfolded laundry that has amassed on the bed

B) creases in the sheets or

C) any foreign object on which the weary victim does not realize is on the bed, couch, or floor.

The redness induced by mattress maps generally fades quickly, but the temporary damage to the derma is usually evidenced for several hours after waking.

Connie: “Holy shit, Jen! What happened to you last night?”

Jen: “I crashed at 4 am after cramming for Dunlap’s final. Why, does it show?”

Connie: “Well sweetie, you have the serious mattress map from you left eye to your chin. It looks like the Mississippi!”