Mr. Steal Yo Meal

The friend or flatmate whose glistening fingers are always in your food.

Mr. Steal Yo Meal keeps very little in his own refrigerator. Eyewitness reports typically mention fuzzy half-eaten salads from Sweetgreen, cold lasagna, and the last slice in the packet of cold cuts. Though he is never seen preparing his own food, Mr. Steal Yo Meal is never hungry because in under a second, his arachnid-like digits can pilfer half a portion of fries and a pan full of pasta you were going to eat later.

1. "Your Honor, the defendant was caught smacking his lips despite having not cooked any dinner for himself. The defense rests."
2. "The Judge finds Mr. Steal Yo Meal guilty of Grand Theft Nuggets and sentences him to a trip to the grocery store on his own damn card."