NTUC Fairprice

Every Singaporeans' favourite place to shop is at NTUC: The widely-acclaimed National Toilet Urination Center, otherwise known as your local supermarket, defended by the militia of Karens, prepared to coup the store in the event that the prices of Hanoi cabbages be jacked up to $2.99 again, from the current $2.37. (The prices went down after the Treaty of Counter Two, which was the resulting compromise to put a ceasefire to the 53421st NTUC-Karen battle, fought from the eve of Chinese New Year to just after midnight the day after.)

As you attempt to navigate the assimilated colony of the NTUC supermarket, get ready to hold up your palm, rejecting the advances of the aunty who attempts to approach you with samples of new flavours for some Swiss milk no one has heard of. Remember throughout your journey, that for every $30 spent, you get one coupon. Accumulating enough coupons allow you to redeem a fake, knockoff, low-quality frying pan, which can efficiently fry your financial savings.

At the end of your shopping nightmare, get ready to overcome the God-forsaken dilemma of choosing between the self-checkout counter-where you are more than likely to have your counter shut down in the middle of packaging your items, only to be saved by the almighty card in the hands of an NTUC staff-or the cashier counter, where you will be asked if you have a Senior Citizens card (for the elderly, 65 years of age and above) even if you are obviously a teenager (Insult much?)

It is not all fun and games yet, as you will have to treacherously navigate yourself around the old uncle standing in front of the supermarket with the latest issue of Lianhe Zaobao (a local Chinese newspaper).

As you find yourself relieved at the end of such a frightful day, you find yourself having instinctively, yet very precariously tip-toed to avoid all the dirt on the floor. Thank God it is over. You look back at the sign that says, 'NTUC Fairprice,' and you hear yourself muttering, 'Well played. Well played.'

NTUC

Ah, yes: The National Toilet Urination Center. Singapore’s centralised and most prized possession, a supermarket.

Follow the adventures of an aunty who attempts—in a fired-up debate so hot you can cook steak until it’s medium rare—to lower the prices of cabbages from Hanoi from $2.99 to $2.37, as well as navigating around an old uncle blocking the stall with the latest issue of every middle aged aunty’s favourite newspaper, the Chinese Lianhe Zaobao!

Don’t miss an all new heated complaining session of a parade of newlywed 31 year old men bombarding the counter 5 cashier with questions like, “Why does $30 spent equal to 1 voucher,” and, “What if I spend $29.95,” and, “Does GST count,” and best of all: “THE SELF-PAYMENT COUNTER BROKE AGAIN!”

“Let’s go to NTUC!”
“Huat Ah!”