Nice Jewish Girl

Type One: The Suburbanite.
A kind, modestly curvy family girl who loves Judaism, her family, and the American Dream of a nice house in the suburbs. She has frizzy hair (likely dark brown/black), a prominent but rarely gargantuan nose, and just enough junk in the trunk to suggest she bites a bagel every once in a while. Well-educated but not intellectually cutting, she smiles sweetly and dishes out the kugel to beaming grandparents and that awkward future-investment-banker 16-year-old at the table who can't wait to settle down in 10 years and marry her.

Type Two: The City Slicker
While perhaps similar in appearance to the Suburbanite, there is also the Nice Jewish Girl in denial, often living in NY or LA. She may seem to be the epitome of mainstream urban chic, but there is an excellent chance she went to Jewish private school and/or Jewish summer camp. She may have highlights, a nose job and a personal trainer, maybe even a goyfriend (oy!), but she secretly yearns to settle down and always gives Bubbe a kiss on Sundays.

Type Three: The Zionist
This Nice Jewish Girl is earthy, smelly, and hairy. More than an Israel supporter, the Type Three NJG is full-blown Kosher Granola. She has long dark hair which may have been styled into dreads at one point, she is a vegan, she experiments with the women and closes her eyes uneccessarily throughout her entire version of a Hebrew service, which is somewhere between Prince of Egypt and the Exorcist. This NJG is pierced, political, and probably moving out to the kibbutz for 10 years and counting.

Overriding Rule: Despite their differences in plastic surgery and sexual preference, all Nice Jewish Girls have defining physical characteristics and eventually make their parents happy. Shalom.

I saw that Carly Steinenbergenschwartzen yesterday at synagogue, she is such a Nice Jewish Girl.

You don't know Rebecca? Tall, dark-haired, Nice Jewish Girl...

Jacob, why don't you make me a happy Bubbe and marry a Nice Jewish Girl? That Sarah Gold is looking so svelte these days...

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