Rural Dictionary

orange crush

Orange crush:

Perhaps the best soda ever produced…. invented by J. M. Thompson of Chicago in 1906.

presently owned by Cadbury Schweppes Americas Beverages, who market the soft drink in cans and bottles chiefly in the southeastern United States, where it is sold in most supermarkets. Crush is also popular in Canada, where it is distributed by Cadbury Beverages Canada.

Orange crush is considered by many peoples as the ultimate soft drink… Rumors abound that the soft drink is so good it had gained interstellar popularity amongst many of our cosmic neighbors Some of which have strong feelings against the people of the Earth. Namely the Corvons. Who had over the years constructed a massive armada of ships to lay waste to Earth due to the never ending radio and television transmissions. …

Unknown of course to humans. The Corvons home planet was directly in the path of several quasars and other stellar phenomena that has an amplifying effect upon radio transmissions. As a result The Corvons home planet was bombarded with the constant boring low quality television and radio programming of 10s,20s,30,40s, 50s.,60s and now the 80s.That is because of course. Radio waves take many years to travel the vast distances of space. For example: the light you see from the sun takes 8 minutes 33 and 1/3 secs to reach our planet. The light seen from stars at night can be millions and billions of years in the past. Thus the light we see today from Corvo is the light of 1985 and vise versa … Since the two systems are relatively close. …This of course conveys the shear vastness of space. Space is huge…It's incredibly huge…You just don’t know how massive space really is…

Moving right along. It is said that the Corvons developed a severe disgust for mankind. In fact. It is said that the straw the broke the camels proverbial back was in fact the Lucy show in the 1960’s And the show “My three sons” which were among the primary televised series that infuriated their entire race. Furthermore. It is said that in the Corvo language the words “Ricki I yi yi and lucy “ can be approximated in the Corvo language to “ We will conquer your world, plunder your riches and impregnate your females” …

A scout ship had been sent 3 weeks before the scheduled attack. The ship had developed a coolant system problem and the crew landed in the middle of the Mojave desert …The repair was made but coolant was needed for their warp drive system. Since the Corvons looked sufficiently enough like humans so long as they wore loose clothes and avoided attention to their height and made no mention of their genitals or size thereof, They were able to obtain enough anti-freeze to cool their engines. But one of their members while scouting for supplies to repair the ship, having mistaken the beverage “orange crush” for coolant promptly Teleported several hundred cases of the stuff into their ships cargo hold. It should be noted at this point that after the Corvons got a look at humans. They determined that the words “ricki I yi yi and lucy “ (which meant loosely in their tongue “we will conquer your world, plunder your riches and impregnate your females” and so forth) must have been a joke. After all. How could these humans expect to compete with their race with genitals that small? Needless to say. Angst was soon replace by amusement and soon everyone from the scout ship to the home world was soon having a big laugh and a sigh of relife …Thus human sexually became one of the many common jokes of the galaxy. But that is another story…

When the scout ship returned to their home planet. It was discovered by one of their crew that orange crush was the best thing she had ever tasted next to poisonous stinger of the giant bog beetles of Netas 4. But unlike the stingers of the giant bog beetles of Netas 4 there was a 100% probability that after ingesting the Orange crush. One would continue living. As opposed to the 76% probability that the ingestion of the other would in later hours of the day inflict massive painful bloated death… Well; this was considered to be a major find. And the officials of the government soon realized that despite the earth people’s bad television programming and very small genitals. They had indeed made perhaps one of the most important contributions to the universe .It was later considered by the Corvo peoples that having to put up with horrible televised broadcast day and night was a small price to pay given that they had gained so much …However some of their peoples asked the question “ why not simply destroy their planet anyway? We have the formula to produce orange crush. Why not simply put an end to them and be done with this?” Luckily for the Earth that their government felt otherwise Thus Earth would be spared…And only a small commando team was dispatched to take out quite a few syndication companies, advertising executives and networks Instead. In addition Earth now has quite a few improvements to the quality and technology of it's radio and television in addition to Corvon agents who run quite a few networks insuring better tv for all including humans despite their short ...span of attention.

Later on...
The progressive rock group R.E.M. Wrote and produced the song “orange crush” ... After the lyrics had been properly translated by the scholars of Corvo. It was decided it would become their world's galactic anthem and is presently sung in the class rooms and hallowed halls of all of their institutions. When they say their equivalent to the pledge of allegiance ..the song Orange crush is played in the back ground…

Since the Corvons are a space fairing race. Orange crush soon become known through out the galaxy and is now produced exactly the way it is on earth including the use of glass bottles, labeling in over 2000 languages - Copyright infringement not withstanding. Earth or rather Eee arth is know for one of the greatest beverages(and rock songs) to ever grace the known universe and is respected as the birth place there of…

Historically their have been many other beverages that have gained similar fame. Like for instance the drink created by Zaphod Beeblebrox…The pan-galactic gargle blaster. The drink has a very adverse intoxicating side effect. But is none the less considered right up there with the poisonous stingers of the giant bog beetles of Netas 4 and Orange Crush…

In fact contrary to the sentient life forms that exist on Netas 4 who blatantly object, There is a massive statue of a bottle of orange crush and smaller statue beside it of J. M. Thompson(inventor or orange crush) in the center of their main government’s building. The Corvons, Who for some reason still had a sence of humor after years of ear plugs, therapy and many attempts made by their scientist to find a way to filter our transmissions from their various means of electronics communications- had thought it fitting to create such a monument which in its self conveyed 3 important facts about humans. 1. That their race had created the best soft drink in the known galaxy. 2. Their extreme arrogance and 3. The size of certain aspects of their anatomy …which was made a sport of quite smartly by a tiny man statue standing beside of a giant bottle of orange crush…

Orange crush: The greatest soda ever made.

it should be noted that a rogue group of scientist thought it would be wise if they could transmit a message to earth in an attempt to make them stop their transmissions. The message that was sent back was made simple so that the E Arth people could understand it... The message was simply this "Shut UP!"
However upon receiving the message by one of their many radio telescopes it was interpreted as stellar out-gassing and summarily dismissed as stellar noise...

A coincidence and probably a good point to make is that Orange Crush was invented the exact year of the first radio transmission by the people of the planet earth.

The first extended broadcast of the human voice was transmitted through the air on December 24, 1906 from Brant Rock, Massachusetts. A Canadian engineer, Reginald Fessenden, had worked for Thomas Edison in his New Jersey Laboratory, and later became a professor at the University of Pittsburgh.

Fessenden was convinced that the "wireless telegraph", which then carried only the sputtering dots and dashes of Morse code, could carry the human voice.

And although this brought great success in communications for the planet Earth It nearly brought about it’s doom. And had it not been for the invention of Orange Crush which occurred (with in the same year )as the first voice transmission. The Earth would be no more than a charred cinder floating through the abyss.

It is also rumored that Reginald Fessenden was very good friends with J.M. Thompson. And fearing the end of mankind though some cataclysmic event caused by his friends work with radio broadcast. He invented the best drink ever created. And although it was not his plan to stop the Corvons nor did he understand them or know anything about them. It would seem that intuition had indeed saved the day in the end. It is said that his thoughts when creating this product were something like this “ if a man were to stand on the edge of oblivion he should have a great beverage in his right hand”…- the unofficial theoretical quote supposed by a few dead beats and rock n roll people alike…

by AnitChrist November 7, 2006

232👍 503👎