Rural Dictionary

Party Animal

A fairly large creature, the wild American Party Animal is often seen in his natural habitats.

Finding him is not the most trying of tasks; one need simply walk to the nearest fraternity house, bar, pub, club, college dorm, or house to find one.

His eating habits are not yet completely known or understood, but he is frequently seen rejecting the contents of his stomach into vases, urns, toilets, top-loading washing machines, priceless heirlooms, and other receptacles. This demonstrates his inability to recognize the sentimental or emotional value of objects.

He is sometimes hairy, sometimes quite close-shaven, but will almost always cover his head with a hat of some kind, even in the summer where temperatures in his habitat reach in excess of eighty degrees Fahrenheit.

His language skills are simpler than that of the ordinary human, often using sounds such as "bro", "cash", "broad", and "home skillet" that have no meaning to a true human being.

Despite his cultural deficiencies, the Party Animal often lives quite a luxurious lifestyle. They are known to rely on their parents for protection and sustenance until, on average, they reach the age of 25 and can no longer rely on their parents stability of mind for food and money.

A captive Party Animal will "imprint" himself on the first female, or "broad" in his primitive language, that he sees. The function of this is not known, as he tends to dismiss her advances in favor of other members of her pack. In the wild, Party Animals will seek out the sick, weak, or most intoxicated of females for his mate. Party Animals do not mate for life; they tend to drift from female to female. Their semen is almost totally inert from excessive alcoholism and drug use, so the male Party Animal must spread his genetic material into as many females as possible to ensure the survival of his species.

The Party Animal culture is something of a strange one. Their principle forms of liquid sustenance are Busch Light, Icehouse, Jagermeister (a peculiar beverage which is made by distilling the sweat of nerds and mixing it with rat poison), Smirnoff, and Mike's Hard Lemonade. The combination of these drinks can result in severe headaches, sensitivity to light and sound, impaired sexual performance, increased sexual desire, loss of coordination, predilection for wearing lamp shades, slurred speech, increased desire to dance, decreased dancing performance, violent tendencies, and violent episodes of nausea culminating in the forceful expulsion of partially digested food ("Blowing Chunks"). To this day, it is unknown exactly why the Party Animal chooses to gorge himself on such a volatile mixture of chemicals when consuming moderate amounts results in a much more pleasant experience overall, including feelings of intense happiness, love for all living things, increased tactile function, increased enunciation, and no nasty after-effects.

The Party Animal is something of a showoff, often taunting local law enforcement officials with such devastatingly intelligent insults as "Fuck da po-lice!" and "I'm a cop killa, bitch!". Their bravado soon vanishes in the face of a legal battle, in which the Party Animal will sit to one side of a courtroom and cry while his mother and father protect him from the legal system. His tendency to learn is not significant in this regard, however, as he is usually seen taunting police officials soon after his detainment and bragging about his "hard" status. The term "hard" in this context is utter nonsense to a non-Party Animal, for the reason that they have a level of intelligence greater than the average fungus found growing on wheat bread. However, through extensive research, it has been determined that the Party Animal associates legal trouble with hardness, a possible link to the high levels of male-on-male anal rape in prison.

The male Party Animal is a simple creature with a few basic mating rituals:
-Force a potential mate to consume large amounts of the aforementioned intoxicating liquids in order to reduce her brain function to his level
-While his target is not looking, drop a tablet or pill of heavy sedative into her drink in order to reduce her likelihood of avoiding his sexual advances
-Take what he wants by overpowering his target, usually a weak-minded, weak-willed, weak-bodied female possessed of robust mammary glands.

The death of a Party Animal is somewhat strange; he does not die per se, merely evolves into a greater level of complexity. It is hypothesized that the Party Animal is a stage of metaporphosis that ends when the Party Animal leaves a university. The peculiar thing about these circumstances is that it does not matter how successful the Party Animal is while attending university. Regardless of academic success, the Party Animal will almost immediately recognize his need for sustenance once he realizes that his parents will no longer care for him.

Party Animal: "Yo, brah, wanna pop back some brewskis wit me an' my crew here?"
Human: "I'm sorry? Speak slowly, I'm not familiar with your language."

by Mushroom Machine March 8, 2009

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