plant hoe

The compulsiveness of buying plants (mostly Monstera deliciosa) as coping mechanism of loneliness and despair of a person who's 30 years birthday is coming.

person: why do you like plants so much? they don't even do anything
me: first of all i'm a plant hoe, second of all imma need you to 🍃 me the fuck alone

Plant Hoe

Plant hoes are individuals, usually women from the ages of 18-45, who impulsively buy plants (usually "rare" species of Philodendron, Anthurium, Monstera, Epipremnum, etc) that generally have uniform coloration, leaf morphology and growth patterns. This behavior usually stems from the excessive need to fit into consumerist culture, except instead of the new shiny Samsung or Apple smartphone, it's an excessive collection of relatively monotone plants that serve no purpose other than fill the vapid ego of their owner. As soon as a new obsession (usually in the form of twenty plants from Ecuagenera imports) begins, the other "rare" plants that they hoarded are neglected, and left to suffer amongst the thousands of other plants that hoard their studio apartments. Plant hoes are generally identified by these following features:

1. Soulless, insect-like eyes that light up only for certain aroid species.

2. A constantly overdrawn bank account, rampant credit card debt, or loans taken out to satiate their shopping addiction.

3. Impulsivity only stemmed from the consumerist desire for rarer plant species.

4. Call their hoarding of plants "a jungle" as a coping mechanism.

5. When asked to elaborate more on why they procured their plants, the typical response usually pertains to how everyone had it, rather than more detailed information on the plant itself.

Person 1: "Jesus, why is David buying every golden pothos he sees in the garden isle?"
Person 2: "He's a plant hoe, he needs to fill his soul with a bunch of useless plants."