Schizophonicizm

A dissociative identity disorder which manifests itself upon making or taking a telephone call. Schizophonicizm is characterized by the presence of two or more phone personalities which are utilized to achieve a desired end result or impression in any phone conversation. Less a form of manipulation, and more characteristic of defense and coping mechanisms, Schizophonicizm is born of a 21st century society where the art of face-to-face communication has been lost and the prevalence of electronic communication has enabled the masses to communicate across great distances. The various phone personalities of a Schizophonic are primarily differentiated by voice pitch and vocabulary utilization. The only known cure for Schizophnicizm is the complete and instantaneous abandonment of telephone and cellular phone use.

Dude 1: Hey man, you got your reports done for the week?
Dude 2: Nah man screw that BS. In fact, I’m never doing another one those ever again.
Ring…ring…
Dude 2: Hello
Hot Secretary: Heeeyyy sweetie! How are ya?....Yeah so when are you going to have your weekly reports turned in?
Dude 2: Wasssup gurl! Yeah, I was just cranking those bad boys out. Anything to help the bottom line. You know me. You’ll have them in a jiff!
Hot Secretary: Thanks!
Dude 2: You know it babycakes!
click
Dude 1: Dude, WTH?
Dude 2: What?
Dude 1: You never talk like that!
Dude 2: Sorry man, that’s just my Schizophonicizm acting up.