Man conkers

A gentleman's game played indoors in front of an open fire. The aim of the game is to bring your opponent to his knees by bombarding his scrotum with a series of wrecking ball blows using only your own scrotum and the power of your pelvic thrust.

Equipment required:

A good sized-pair of man conkers (shaven in professional matches or unshaven for amateur duelling).

The koteka (approved by the Chief Umpire in all competitions or at the discretion of opponents in non-competitive matches).

Rules of the game

The game will commence with a toss, the winner of the toss may elect to strike or receive.

Each player then takes three alternate strikes at the opponent's conkers.

Each attempted strike must be clearly aimed at the nut, no deliberate mis-hits.

The game will be decided once one of the conkers is smashed.

A small piece of nut or skin remaining shall be judged out, it must be enough to mount an attack.

If both nuts smash at the same time then the match shall be replayed.

A player causing a knotting of the man conkers (a snag) will be noted, three snags will lead to disqualification.

"I do enjoy a ruddy good game of man conkers," said Gerald as he reigned several blows upon Rupert's already tender scrotum.